Under the Grasp of Bipolar Disorder

[00:00:00] Maya: Today, I have another amazing sibling with me. Her name is Taylor. Taylor, welcome to the show.

[00:01:08] Taylor: Hey, thank you for having me. I'm excited.

[00:01:11] Maya: Yeah, we're really excited to have you here today. And today, we're going to be talking about your brother, Blake. So tell us a little bit about you and Blake, your childhood. Tell us a little bit about your dynamic and how you guys grew up.

[00:01:27] Taylor: Yeah. We grew up, our grandparents raised both of us. And so we had, our normal sibling relationship. Your typical one, I guess you could say. We were close at one point when we were younger. Blake was the popular kid, and so he had many friends everywhere. But I would say that we were close growing up, and then as we got older we kind of, departed ways.

[00:01:52] Maya: So walk us through what transpired with him and his mental health journey, because that's a big part of your story and his story, of course, Taylor.

[00:02:03] Taylor: I guess mostly what happened. This was probably his junior year or senior year of high school. Just getting in with the wrong people. And he ended up going to jail. And then from there, it was just all downhill. He ended up being in and out of jail after that for just different things. 

[00:02:24] Maya: What was the first initial thing that, that happened? Because I have, I can relate to you and a lot of people listening I'm sure can relate to because that was my brother too. He went, he, he got arrested and it was just like, and then it spiraled into this really almost habitual thing and some of it was really stupid and some of it was really scary.

[00:02:43] What was that first initial thing that happened?

[00:02:45] Taylor: Yeah. The first initial thing very stupid. It was actually a grand larceny. And it was over some stolen puppies.

[00:02:53] Maya: Wow.

[00:02:54] I 

[00:02:54] Taylor: Yes. I, the full story behind all that, I don't know. , 

[00:02:58] I have no idea. But that is. It was, and I believe the charge was grand larceny but him and some friends stole some puppies and I guess the intent was to keep them and sell them.

[00:03:13] I, don't know. But he ended up, we, he got out and all of that. Those charges may have even been dropped. I'm not sure. And then it just he later, he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. And

[00:03:26] Maya: And when did that happen? Was that after he started getting arrested and going through some trouble, he started to get some mental health help and 

[00:03:33] Taylor: yes. So that was around that time, maybe after that. And mental health and all of that. I'm a mental health professional, and bipolar disorder is one that is 

[00:03:46] tricky. It seems to be a trend

[00:03:51] among people. People like to say, Oh, I'm bipolar,

[00:03:54] but people don't really realize, what that actually means. And I would say that Blake lived his life in a manic state. Just go. Party party. Let me see what I could do next to get away with. And I think that's what started with the puppies. Is, and then once he got out with that, it was the next thing. What else can I do to get away with?

[00:04:19] I think he pretty much, he lived his life in a manic state. He just was on the go all the time and wanted to see what he could do.

[00:04:27] Yeah, so mania for anybody can look different, Blake specifically, I think and to backtrack a little bit, I think we didn't really realize it until after high school because sports was that thing for him.

[00:04:42] And so that was that thing for him to Get that activity out, and so like I was saying, it was just that next thing. What can I do? The sports and then it was stealing the dogs. And then it was maybe the next thing like marijuana. And I know a lot of people don't look at that as a drug, but some people do. Alcohol maybe next partying next.

[00:05:06] He was always partying. He loved it. He loved that life and then, ultimately, leading up to his death, we ended up with meth was, that next thing but for him, it was just I don't want to say hyper, because he wasn't hyper all over the place, but maybe a little. Sometimes it came with anger.

[00:05:26] Maya: Sounds familiar. Yep. I think that's something that is important too, just as we're diving into all this about your story and just sibling loss stories in general. Is that, we want to obviously humanize and remember those that we've lost in a beautiful way. But it's also okay to talk about the things that they made mistakes, they did things wrong, they weren't perfect.

[00:05:51] And I think that's, I think that's refreshing when we're open and honest about that. And I try to be as open and honest about that as possible. We'll all be there. Respecting my brother, right? But there were a lot of things like that in, in my situation too, Taylor, and it was mostly with my mother, and he would do similar things like that too, and it was just like, oh my, it was like watching an extreme rollercoaster ride, or one of those up and down rides, where it was like, where you get dropped really fast, and then you go up slow, and then you go, it was like, it was, it would shake me up, it was like a rug being pulled out from underneath you, and, To your point, not everyone with bipolar operates that way.

[00:06:30] There's so many different types of, bipolar and things, how it, there's people that you might know in your life and they have bipolar and they're not like that. These, this is more of a manic type of state. And so it's interesting. I actually didn't know we had this in common, so I'm like, wow, but yeah it's really interesting to watch and sometimes quite frustrating because you watch them hurt people that you really love.

[00:06:53] Taylor: But yeah. And then, like you were saying with your brother, the highs are very high. Low is very low, which ultimately, led to his suicide.

[00:07:00] Maya: It's a weird state. He loses the scholarship. He's getting arrested. He's partying. Talk us through how we're leading up to, unfortunately, his death by suicide because he's struggling with mental health issues. Is he taking medication? Is he going to therapy? Walk us through that because he was 23, right?

[00:07:21] So tell us a little bit about everything leading up to that point.

[00:07:24] Taylor: Yeah, so, he did seek out some help for a little bit. He stopped taking his medicine because it made him feel sad is what he said. That was his reasoning. 

[00:07:34] So he actually ended up spending a year in jail and that was a whole thing that we don't really need to get into charges wise and all of that, but he got caught in another state, he had fled, got caught in another state, so they ended up transporting him around, and he had warrants in other cities, or other counties and things like that, so he ended up spending a year in jail just being transported back and forth between jails So during that time, he got cleaned because, he was for a while.

[00:08:04] So he got clean. 

[00:08:05] Maya: With him during that time, Taylor, because you're still in high school, so how was your relationship during that time? Would you guys speak, would you email, like how was that dynamic?

[00:08:15] Taylor: yeah. So he he would call me you gotta pay for those phone calls. But he would call me, we would talk about every day. Because it's funny, he would call my grandma, and then he'd call me. 

[00:08:25] We were the two.

[00:08:28] We did, we had contact. But yeah, he would call me every day, sometimes more than once a day, just to talk to me while he was in there. We'd send him money and things like that while he was in there.

[00:08:39] So we did have contact while he was there.

[00:08:42] Maya: Yeah. Do you feel like that was a good time in your, even though it was a dark time for him, it was bright, there's always a silver lining with things, right? Like he was getting clean, but do you feel like it was a good time for you guys to connect and he was needed to get clean, but also cultivate a relationship again with you, I feel like, during that.

[00:09:03] Taylor: I do. I think it was a good thing for him and for me, and maybe even for my grandma, even though she would never admit that. 

[00:09:10] Maya: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry, grams. Sorry grams. But 

[00:09:14] It was probably good. Yeah. 'cause she knew, let's face it, she knew where he was. That's a whole other thing, right? Yeah. Yeah.

[00:09:23] Taylor: So we knew where he was at, we knew he was alive. 

[00:09:27] As scary and as sad as that sounds, we knew he was alive.

[00:09:30] We knew where he was at, he, he had shelter, he had food. I don't know, he may have even made some friends in there. I don't know. 

[00:09:39] And so while she may not have liked it, 

[00:09:44] he sounded great.

[00:09:46] He sounded so good. He sounded like his old self, his pre drugs self. You could tell he was clean. We would always joke because he would just sit in there and just drink black coffee. And we would just laugh about that because he is not a coffee drinker. But here he is, just sitting in jail, drinking black coffee out of a cup, and we just thought that was funny, it was just, I don't know, it was just one of those things.

[00:10:13] And was good, he sounded good. He looked good. Once they transported him back to the town that we were in, we would go visit him like once a week. I think there may have been like a limit on it and there was a limit on how many people could go in 

[00:10:27] there and who could go in there and things like that.

[00:10:30] But we would go visit him and he looked so good. He looked like himself. He gained weight drugs and all made him lose weight. He was just super skinny and he's always looked good but He just looked good and he sounded good and he gained weight and I honestly I think that he knew that I think that he may have felt good.

[00:10:55] Because he was clean 

[00:10:57] Maya: So he, so that is going on and that, even though it's a. Horrible situation, nobody wants to experience that. Sometimes we get put in those situations because we need a wake up call a little bit, right? And us through, he gets out and what year are we in when he gets out of jail?

[00:11:13] Taylor: I was still in 

[00:11:14] high school, I think. I graduated in 2017. So maybe 2015, 2016, somewhere in here. 

[00:11:23] Maya: Tell us what happens. What happens when he gets out? He's in a better state and he has goals and plans and things he wanted to do and then what actually happened.

[00:11:33] Right? 

[00:12:54] Taylor: It's funny, it's all coming back to me now, 

[00:12:56] I remember we had breakfast at 

[00:12:58] Burger King, and then and then went to church, and so he was clean and doing good living with his girlfriend at the time, I don't really know where he was working at but he just seemed well,

[00:13:14] Maya: Yeah.

[00:13:15] Taylor: and then I'm not sure.

[00:13:18] This is where things get 

[00:13:20] confusing, 

[00:13:21] I'm not really sure

[00:13:24] after that where the turn went. 

[00:13:27] Maya: Huh. Huh. Did you guys lose contact? What were some of the kind of, as I like to call them red flags that started to happen in the change? Because this is such a strong way for him to turn his life around and then,

[00:13:42] What were some red flags that you saw, like I would assume you didn't have contact anymore, right?

[00:13:46] Taylor: Yeah, so we did have a limited contact. I guess it was mostly because he didn't have the driver's license, didn't have a car, he was stuck 

[00:13:57] in one spot. And so I guess that's the turning point in what led him back to his old ways. And then, but I think by this point, the drugs and all of that were slowly starting to take back over.

[00:14:10] Maya: Yeah. And so you graduated in 2017. So from that time until his death, because he died in August of 2018, walk us through what happened, like what transpired, what you know, and then of course we're going to talk about his passing by suicide, of course.

[00:14:27] Taylor: Okay, so he, I was in college and, um, when you go off to college, you're away and isolated from everyone. It

[00:14:35] Maya: And it's a new experience. You're 

[00:14:37] Taylor: pretty 

[00:14:38] Maya: Yeah. Yeah. 

[00:14:39] Taylor: fun. It's fun. And at this point 

[00:14:41] we did lose contact. We've lost contact. I'm in college. So my whole freshman year of college, I don't know what's going on.

[00:14:48] I'm in school. I'm hanging out with friends. 

[00:14:51] Then I go home. So this was fall of 2017. So if we fast 

[00:14:56] forward to 

[00:14:59] springtime, summertime of 2018, 

[00:15:02] I guess is when all of this started.

[00:15:04] So I'm back home now for the summer, so the semester, the spring semester is let out, 

[00:15:09] I go back 

[00:15:10] home, and this is when I find out all of this stuff, that he's not well super depressed there's been, the relationship that he was in is very toxic it's getting worse, mostly because of the drug use.

[00:15:27] And if you do know anything about bipolar disorder and meth use, they do not mix well at

[00:15:33] all. 

[00:15:33] Maya: No. Not a good picture. 

[00:15:35] Yeah, no. 

[00:15:36] So you're there over this summer and you're hearing about all of this, and you're like, what the heck is going on with Blake?

[00:15:42] You're like,

[00:15:43] Taylor: right. Yeah so I don't know, maybe it was because I was in, at school, he didn't want to bother me, maybe, because we didn't really talk that much, he never, I didn't know anything was going on and then it was once I got home that summer and I'm still living with my aunt, so we're in different households, me and my brother, 

[00:16:01] But we're closer distance wise, and so he starts calling me, and he's some of the phone calls are, They get worse and worse as time goes on, but he would just call me and be like, Hey, how are you doing?

[00:16:13] What are you doing? Can you come get me? Can you take me to do this? Can you take me to do that? Mostly, that's what they were. It's hey, can you come get me? Let's go do something. Let's get me out of the house. I'm like, yeah, sure. Let's go. 

[00:16:25] I didn't really know much about mental health at the time. I had went into school for education. I was going to teach early childhood elementary education. That is what I went to school for my freshman year.

[00:16:36] It's what I started. And 

[00:16:38] Maya: I could so see you doing that, by the way, just your personality and I mean that in the sweetest way, because you're just so sweet, and I could see you doing that, just had to say that, because I get that vibe from you you're so sweet and patient yeah, so you're not even in that mindset, but he's vocalizing this to you, he's saying, I don't want to live anymore, I can't take this anymore he's saying this to you, wow,

[00:16:56] Taylor: Oh, actually, can let me backtrack for a minute here. I had went into, I had went into school for education. Sometime in the middle of that semester. And this was like my first or second semester of college ever. I changed my major actually to human services. 

[00:17:13] Why I was doing this. And so, I had taken a couple of classes because of that, sociology, psychology classes, things like that, so I was learning a little bit, but I still didn't really know, it's, you can have all the knowledge in the world, this is what I tell people, you can have all the knowledge, but when it's happening to you, it's like you just forget everything, or that's how it was for me,

[00:17:35] Maya: I agree. I agree. I think so many people will relate to that. Taylor, I agree. I. 

[00:17:39] It is totally different when it happens to you. 

[00:17:42] Taylor: It's different, 

[00:17:43] It's not a textbook anymore, 

[00:17:45] And Fast forwarding back, he tells, Blake tells me, I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to live. He starts telling me that he wants to kill himself. He tells me how he's going to do it. Um, 

[00:17:59] Very, graphic. And I don't know how graphic I can be.

[00:18:03] Maya: Just, you can tell us as much as you want. Yeah.

[00:18:06] Taylor: To tell me, I'm going to hang myself. 

[00:18:08] Maya: Wow. He's telling, and you're 18 at the time, Taylor. 

[00:18:10] Taylor: at the time, Yeah.

[00:18:12] And he was 23, so he's young as well. And he would just straight tell me, I'm gonna hang myself. And I'm like,

[00:18:20] Maya: That 

[00:18:20] Taylor: I didn't know what to say. 

[00:18:21] Maya: oddly specific too.

[00:18:23] Taylor: Very specific. And that was one thing that I questioned later.

[00:18:28] But

[00:18:28] That's besides the point now.

[00:18:29] But, 

[00:18:30] And I remember, I, he called me over there one day. And he would call me in the middle of the night. Like 12, 1, 2 o'clock in the morning to hey, you need to come over here. Of course I'd go, because I'm like, I didn't know what I was going to walk into, but of course I'd go. Because I'm going to do what I can to keep him from doing that.

[00:18:50] And so I go out there one day, and he's laying in the bed. And, which previously was weird. You don't just lay in the bed. But he's laying in the bed, and I see in the living room, and this is my brother's house, my mom's house, the ceiling fan in the living room and It's down, like it's not up there.

[00:19:15] And I'm like, okay. And if you knew my brother, he's always taking things apart and things like that. So I'm 

[00:19:23] thinking maybe he's bored 

[00:19:25] Maya: Yeah.

[00:19:27] Taylor: and wanted to see if he could take down and put it back together. I don't know. So I asked my mom, I'm like, what's going on here? And she's like, she blows me off, and I guess she didn't want to hear, she didn't want Blake to hear me asking that, so I'm like, okay. So I go in there to the room where Blake's at, he's laying in the bed, and I'm just like sitting there beside him, trying to talk to him because, I know he's depressed, I know he's wanting to kill himself, he had told me. So I'm talking to him, trying to figure out what's going on, and he tells me, he had heard me ask the question about the fan, and he tells me that he tried to hang himself from it, 

[00:20:05] and 

[00:20:09] this is terrible, but when he told me that, I laughed, 

[00:20:12] Maya: cop. 

[00:20:13] Because you, you 

[00:20:14] Taylor: I didn't 

[00:20:14] Maya: really know how to react, I'm sure, right? Yeah. I do know how to 

[00:20:18] react, as I said, as a DC cop. You 

[00:20:21] Taylor: laugh, I just kind of, 

[00:20:23] Maya: nervous laugh Are you serious? Are you serious? Is this for real? Are you joking with me? 

[00:20:27] Taylor: ready, 

[00:20:28] Maya: that we have sometimes as humans,

[00:20:29] right, 

[00:20:30] Taylor: yep, and so it was a reaction I had, I just laughed, and, it was just left at that, and I really don't think we said much anything after that. 

[00:20:37] So I ended up 

[00:20:38] at, 

[00:20:38] we wrapped things up. We didn't really talk much anymore. I go back home. And so it was 

[00:20:43] turning into an everyday thing where he was, or in, the 

[00:20:46] middle of the night type of thing to call me and saying, 

[00:20:52] Hey, you need to come over here or whatever.

[00:20:54] He loved me, and I loved him, and I think he knew that I loved him. No, I do think that he did. And 

[00:21:02] in the 

[00:21:02] Maya: Of course he did, Taylor, because why were you the person that he was calling every single time something? Yes, you 

[00:21:09] Taylor: right, 

[00:21:10] Maya: Yeah. 

[00:21:10] Taylor: Yeah in the moment, though, I'm like, f ing me 

[00:21:13] like 

[00:21:13] Maya: course, 

[00:21:14] Taylor: Why do you want to hurt me? But at the same 

[00:21:17] time, 

[00:21:18] Maya: hurting, right?

[00:21:19] Taylor: hurt. He was hurting, and that was the only way

[00:21:25] that he, that was the only thing he knew was, let me call my sister, because I know she's gonna come. And, gosh, that is makes me sad.

[00:21:36] It does. But I'm glad that he knew I would come, that he could call me. And so that's what he told me, you can go on home. I'll only call you over here till you buy anyway. And I don't even know what day this was. I ended up going I went back home, a few days passed, whatever, and he's still alive at this point.

[00:21:55] I'm talking to my aunt about this. This is not the aunt that I live with, this is my other aunt. And these are my mom's sisters. And I was talking to her about it, and I'm like, look, we've got to do something. I don't know where to start. I have never dealt with this before. 

[00:22:13] Maya: I'm 18 years old. I'm in college. I'm going into my 

[00:22:16] Taylor: what 

[00:22:16] Maya: year. Somebody help me with this? Yeah, I get it. 

[00:22:19] Taylor: Do I do? How can I help my brother? Where do we start? And so she's okay. Let's figure this out. She's we can call the local mental health center, ask them what to do and I believe that this day, I think this day was on a Friday. Because we were planning to call them Monday. Because they were not going to be open.

[00:22:40] It had to have been Friday. She's that's the, that's where we need to start. Let's call the local mental health center. Ask them what we need to do. He's telling me he's gonna, not only is he telling me he's gonna kill himself, he's telling me how he's going to do it. He's already attempted to do it, 

[00:22:56] Yeah. 

[00:22:57] in the living room there was another cord hanging in our shop behind the house so there was a second attempt at some point because I saw it, and to be completely honest with you, it may still be there But in the shop behind our house, there's a cord hanging down and there's something up under it for him to stand on. And thinking about that now, I've actually forgotten about that part. It just now came back to me. I can actually still picture it. And like I said, it may still be there. I don't know. So anyways, we're like let's call the mental health center on Monday. Let's see if we can get him involuntarily committed,

[00:23:39] which would be, committing someone to the hospital against their will.

[00:23:44] You could have an officer or ambulance come pick them 

[00:23:47] up. 

[00:23:49] They're not going to go to jail. It may scare them because they're, they 

[00:23:53] may think that, but they're not going to go to jail. They're going to go to the hospital and be monitored for a few days. 

[00:23:58] Maya: next

[00:23:59] Taylor: That was the plan. That's what we were gonna do.

[00:24:00] I just had to get my grandma on board with it because my grandma's the one, she raised us, all of that type of thing. I'm telling her our plans and I got her on board. She, something, yes, something had clicked and she was like, yep, let's do it then. The plan was to go Monday. He got arrested.

[00:24:23] So that threw 

[00:24:26] all of that plan away. 

[00:24:28] At the time, we would have thought that would have made it 

[00:24:32] easier, him being in jail. But it didn't. 

[00:24:35] It made things harder. And so he's now in jail for 

[00:24:40] trespassing. 

[00:24:42] Of course I'd want to go get him, but why would I when he's in the safest place he could be? So anyways, my grandma ended up wanting to come out. That was a few days later that same week. Friday came around that same week. Friday came around and he calls me and he's at his cousin's house because that's where he felt safe. And during the process of all this, me and that cousin became very close. And she's actually someone that I, I didn't know her. And I guess I forgot to mention too. So we have different dads,

[00:25:20] but he didn't know his real dad until later in life. And so that was the cousin on that side. So that's why 

[00:25:27] I didn't know her. 

[00:25:28] Maya: Lot of family dynamics 

[00:25:29] Taylor: There's a lot of family 

[00:25:31] dynamics. And so that's why I didn't know this cousin because it was Blake's dad's

[00:25:37] But me and her ended up becoming close even though she's like my mom's age. And so he ended up over there some kind of way, ended up over there, and that's where he felt safe. And so he calls me from her house and is Hey You're going back to school tomorrow, which would be Saturday, August 18th.

[00:25:56] I'm going back to school. I'm moving in for my sophomore year. He calls me that Friday the 17th and says, Hey you're going back to school tomorrow. Let's go hang out. He sounds good. He sounds great. He was manic. He was back up here, back on his high, ready to go. And I'm like, okay, I'm a little confused because you didn't sound like this two days ago, but okay, sure.

[00:26:23] He's come get me. Let's go hang out. You're going back to school. I'm not gonna get to see you for a while. Let's go get something to eat. I'm ready to see you. That type of thing. And I'm like, yeah, okay, cool. I'm gonna get dressed. I'm gonna come get you. And so that's what I do.

[00:26:36] I get dressed. I come up there to his cousin's house. I get him. And it was just great. It was a good day. This was Friday, August 17th 2018. And we just have a good day. We've got to get up super early Saturday morning because it's move in day. This is the day that he hung himself. And so it, gets a little bit darker. I'm at school moving in with my, moving in, my fiancé at the time my now husband, he was with me, we're all moving in, my friend Kara's there, cause she also went to school there, we're just all here, we're moving in, and for some reason, again, for some reason, unbeknownst to me at the time, I didn't unpack my bag. And I'm like, I'm too overwhelmed. I don't wanna unpack. I just wanna go hang out with Cara. I wanna go see my other friends. I don't wanna pack right now. There's too much going on. Let me 

[00:27:34] unpack later when everybody leaves and things have settled. So I didn't unpack. And I go over to Colby, , we go to Walmart, some kind of way, we end up at Walmart to get some things, and on the way back from Walmart, I get a phone call, and it's the dreaded phone call, the one that you, you don't,

[00:27:57] Maya: And 

[00:27:58] Taylor: and, 

[00:27:59] Maya: Yeah.

[00:28:00] Taylor: the one that you don't want to get, and when you do get it, you never forget it, And it's from Daquan, who was my brother's friend. They were best friends growing up and throughout school. Daquan was a little bit older than Blake. But, that didn't matter. They were friends and I've always said that he was my brother as well because they were so close and I'm like, okay, you're my brother too. And Daquan is the one who calls me. And I didn't think anything of it at first, because I'm like, I thought of him as my brother, 

[00:28:30] so I think, he knows that I'm moving into school, maybe he's just calling me to chat about that, and I answer the phone, and he's crying, already crying when he answers the phone.

[00:28:42] And I'm like, Taequann, what's wrong? And he goes, please tell me it's not true. And those were the only words that he could get out. I think, he was so distraught, he couldn't get anything else out either.

[00:28:55] Getting, 

[00:28:56] Maya: know Taylor? I'm so like, how did he find out?

[00:29:00] Taylor: that's 

[00:29:00] Maya: person to call you. That's crazy.

[00:29:03] Taylor: that's unraveling. And, honestly, it's still a little unknown. He says that to me and I say, what are you talking about? And 

[00:29:10] he goes, please tell me it's not true. Blake's dead. I don't know how he knew. I ended up, I hung up on it. Because I'm like now I've got to figure out what's going on.

[00:29:22] So I called the cousin that Blake was staying with. I called her. She answers the phone and she's already crying. She answered the phone and I'm like. Okay, you don't even have to tell me, because now I know. Now how she already knew as well, is still unknown. I ended up, we didn't even talk, like she answered the phone, she was crying, I hung up.

[00:29:44] We didn't even talk, because I already knew. I call my grandma, and I'm like, look, this is what I've just been told. I said, you need to go figure out what's going on, because I'm not there. I'm at school. And, Colby, we were on the way back from Walmart, he hears my phone call with Daquan, so he pulls over into a parking lot, and just sitting there cause he, heard the phone call, but didn't really know what was going 

[00:30:09] on,? 

[00:30:10] So we're sitting there in that parking lot. I tell Colby, I'm like, you need to take me home. 

[00:30:16] And it's it's not funny, for lack of a better word, it's funny. It never occurred to me that I could drive myself home.

[00:30:25] Maya: Yeah. That's interesting. 

[00:30:26] Taylor: And, I have a car. It never occurred to me. And so I'm just, I'm yelling at Colby.

[00:30:33] I'm like, you need to take me home. He's I'm not taking you. He's very rational. He's still like this. He's very rational. He wants to think about things before we do it. And he's I'm not taking you home. He's we don't even know what's going on. Let's find out what's going on first, and then we can talk about you going home. Okay, whatever. We get back on campus. I go to, I called my friend, Kara, and I said, look, this is what I think's going on. I was like, I don't know what to do. She said just come to my room, my apartment, which was on campus apartments. And she's just come over here and just sit over here until we figure out more.

[00:31:08] From that time, I'm just, We get back on campus, and I just go sit in Kara's bedroom floor.

[00:31:17] Maya: And it 

[00:31:17] feels like a 

[00:31:18] million years are going by. It's oh my God. Every minute is a year at that point. Yeah.

[00:31:23] Taylor: Years are going by, you're so alone, that there's so many people around, and, so I'm just, I'm literally just sitting in her bedroom floor, and she hadn't come in there yet, because she was still out in the parking lot, talking to Colby, trying to figure out what's going on. And so in the meantime, her boyfriend at the time, His mom hears what's happening and she comes in there and she sits in the floor with me and I just can't you know, thank her enough for that.

[00:32:02] This is someone who I barely know. She just came and sat in the floor with me and she hugged me and she prayed with me that's something that meant a lot to me because I was raised in church and I felt so alone I'm sitting in a floor by myself You So I am alone no one else is in there with me, and she sees that, and she hears what's going on.

[00:32:26] She came, she sat in the floor with me, she hugged me, and she prayed with me, and she got up and walked out. She knew she 

[00:32:32] didn't have to say anything. She, I guess she knew there was nothing she could say.

[00:32:38] Maya: Yeah.

[00:32:39] Taylor: So I'm sitting there and waiting, and then finally Kara comes in, and by this time, I'm like, in between all this time, from the parking lot, from Walmart, to the, back to campus, I have people texting me. Telling me hey, what's going on? I heard this, I heard that. Still to this day, is unclear how it got all around.

[00:33:04] Maya: Wow. 

[00:33:05] Yeah. 

[00:33:06] Taylor: tough because I had people messaging me about the situation.

[00:33:11] Maya: Do you even know? 

[00:33:12] Taylor: I even knew about this situation and what was going on. And still, and it's never registered to me that I could get into my own car and I could drive myself home.

[00:33:23] It 

[00:33:24] never 

[00:33:24] Maya: a trauma response. It was, yeah. And also being so young and 

[00:33:28] you're at college and, but who told you what happened to Blake though? How 

[00:33:34] Taylor: Yeah, 

[00:33:34] Maya: find that out?

[00:33:35] Taylor: It's, 

[00:33:36] Maya: the script? 

[00:33:37] Taylor: My aunt texts me, she's Hey, 

[00:33:38] what's going on? And I said, I don't know. That's all I said. She said, do you want me to come get 

[00:33:44] you? 

[00:33:46] And I

[00:33:46] said yes, please and that's all 

[00:33:47] I said and this was in text message. I'm like, yes, please And she's okay. I'm on the 

[00:33:51] way. 

[00:33:52] And I just remember the car ride from her picking me up and driving to her house was so quiet. We didn't say a word to each other. It was so quiet. And I just went, when we got in her house, I went to her extra bedroom and just laid in the bed and just stared at the wall. And it's funny, because I remember listening to your story, you sat on your couch and stared at a wall, and I 

[00:34:17] think we've all, 

[00:34:18] Maya: People are like, what are you talking about? I'm like, until you've experienced it, it's a thing like it's a thing. . 

[00:34:23] Taylor: you don't know, it doesn't make sense, but if you're doing it you just got to be, you got to be in that situation, and I don't want anyone in that situation, but you've got to be in that situation to know what it means. And I'm just laying there, staring at the wall, and her daughter comes in, and she tells her what's going on, because at one point, they were all close. So she comes in there, she lays with me, she puts her arm around me, and we just lay there and cried. And finally, my aunt tells me, she's we've got to go to the house. This was, an hour, a few hours had passed. She's we gotta go to the house. At some point during all this, we had gotten the confirmation, he did hang himself.

[00:35:02] It was in the junkyard near his house and he was dead. Some point in, I don't really remember it all. To be completely honest with you, I don't remember it. But at some point during all this, we had gotten that confirmation.

[00:35:17] Maya: But how tough is that, Taylor, because he had made attempts already, and he had told you, and now it's really happened. 

[00:35:23] That must have been so difficult for you, and just I, I can't imagine, like,

[00:35:32] Taylor: And then, and going from the day before when he was just in

[00:35:36] Maya: Right. 

[00:35:37] Taylor: great mood and it was doing great and it was just

[00:35:41] all over the place. 

[00:35:41] Maya: a high to a low 

[00:35:43] Taylor: exactly. 

[00:35:44] And that's in it. It was so extreme. And we get to my grandma, my mom, my brother's house, and People were starting to gather at this 

[00:35:54] point because it had been a few hours, word had gotten out, family was coming over, friends had heard and were coming over and so word had started getting out.

[00:36:03] I knew I didn't want to talk to anybody except Ikhwan, because that was my brother. And

[00:36:10] Maya: he's the one that called you too,

[00:36:11] Taylor: He's the one who called me and so I don't believe I said a word to anybody. I think I just got there and Waited on Daquan to get there. And so Daquan, my grandma, and then another cousin, Kelly They had all, they weren't there when we got there because they had actually went to the hospital to ID the body and so And, it means a lot to me that Daequan stepped up to go do that as well because, that's traumatizing, for 

[00:36:42] one, but he had really, no blood connection, he didn't have to do that, but he was like, no, I'm going with your grandma to, protect you.

[00:36:50] See what's going on. So I'm waiting for them. They finally get there after what seems like forever waiting on them. They finally get there 

[00:36:59] and all the words that I could say to Daquan was, I was waiting for you to get here. That's what I said. I was like, I have been waiting on you. And I just hugged him and we just stood there and hugged and we both just cried

[00:37:11] Maya: Yeah.

[00:37:12] Taylor: and that's what we did. For, again, what felt like forever. We just stood there, hugged each other, and cried. 

[00:37:20] Maya: What happened next for you guys? Because obviously, this is no mystery in the story, right? He was in a toxic relationship. Things were going on there. The last time you saw him, he goes off with the girlfriend. Something obviously transpired in that time, right? That's, that is factual. We know that.

[00:37:36] Only he and her will ever know really what happened during that time, and that's so sad. And there's so many elements of, ugh. Signs of toxic relationship, things going on there, which is interesting because there's a couple of those stories this season. We're giving you guys a lot of signs here.

[00:37:52] If you see these things these are things to, to talk about. But tell us, and then I want to tell us what happens next. And did you guys have a funeral? Like, how was that for you? And then I'd love if you could close us out a little bit, Taylor, with your story and just, Tell us how you feel now about those signs, so if you could tell us about the funeral days after in your process, and then tell us, looking back now on those signs, and looking back on what you know what is some advice you can give people because suicide is just, it's like fentanyl, it's like drugs, it's like this, 

[00:38:22] It's, I feel like it's an epidemic, and it's something we're not talking about enough, and 

[00:38:26] Taylor: Great, you're not. 

[00:38:27] Maya: it's a

[00:38:27] true, tragedy, it really is, so if you can walk us through those two things, that'd be amazing.

[00:38:32] Okay.

[00:38:32] Taylor: Yeah we had a funeral. We went to the funeral home, planned it all out. My dad came into town. He lives in a different state. Had a funeral, and this is something that I do want to spend a little bit of time on. So many people showed up. Um, the church, there were no, no seats left. And that's something that I do want to talk about because I guess with, with depression, you don't know that you have all these people behind you. 

[00:39:04] He, the fact that there were hardly any chairs left in the church shows that he was loved. He had friends. He had people who loved him, but he didn't know it. And, so I think that could be a piece of advice right there is, if you're friends with someone, if you love someone, let them know that. And that sounds so cliche, that's something that everybody says, but it's so true especially if you know something's going on.

[00:39:31] Maya: people 

[00:39:32] But do they really live it? Taylor? And this is an example of that. So I really love that message. yeah, 

[00:39:37] Taylor: yeah it's something that's so easy to say.

[00:39:40] But so easy not to do. And so that would be my advice, especially if something's going on, reach out to that person. How can I help you? What do you need? I love you. I'm here for you. As cliche as it sounds, it's true. So we had the funeral, lots of people came. I had taken that whole next week off of school.

[00:40:03] I had messaged all my professors like, Hey, I won't be there. This is why, and every single one of them emailed me back and was like, we're praying for you during this time. Cause I went to a Christian school and that just meant a lot to me. That my professors were like, take time, take as much time as you need.

[00:40:21] Maya: That's amazing because not all of them are like that or have been like 

[00:40:24] Taylor: granny 

[00:40:25] Maya: that I've heard and shared, so it's 

[00:40:28] Taylor: and children, and 

[00:40:30] Maya: Yeah.

[00:40:31] Taylor: I'm so glad that I did. And and Miss Williams that I was talking about earlier, she through this became my mentor and but all of them, they're like, we're praying for you, take the time off, let us know when you're ready to come back. I think I ended up only taking a week off.

[00:40:46] And so the times after that were hard, as you can imagine, As you've been through it as well. It's hard. You don't know what to say. You don't know what to do. You live in this state of numbness. It's the only way to describe it. And, I feel like that's one of those things you don't really know what it feels like to be numb unless you are feeling numb.

[00:41:14] Unless you've been there. 

[00:41:15] And so I just lived in this state of numbness. And, um, my roommates had looking back now, I'm assuming they just didn't know what to say. I'm no longer friends with them 

[00:41:28] because when I came back to school, it was just awkward. It was weird. And I'm assuming it's because they didn't know what to say.

[00:41:34] But sometimes you don't have to say anything, and that was a big thing for me is I don't want you to talk to me. I just want you to sit beside me. We can sit here in silence. I don't care if it's awkward for you. Just sit here with 

[00:41:48] Maya: I think that's one of the best parts of your story and like a piece of advice, too, and I really love that you're bringing this up, Taylor, because when your friend's mom sat down next to you that was such an impactful moment for you because that's all you needed. You just, and I talk about that all the time, too, I'm like, people ask, like, how can I support my friend?

[00:42:04] And they're like, literally just. Be with them.

[00:42:06] Be with them. 

[00:42:07] Taylor: her.

[00:42:08] Maya: Literally, I don't, I didn't want anyone to say anything because even if you were the nicest person in the world, I was like, how dare you say that? Or if they were like, oh, this is so horrible. I'm like, no kidding. It's horrible. You know what I mean?

[00:42:18] You just can't win when you're in that state of mind. You just can't

[00:42:21] Taylor: Can't, and there's no words that you can say to make it 

[00:42:24] Maya: Oh. Hit that. And everything you say is going to make it sound worse. People are saying to me, not immediately, later on at least 

[00:42:31] Taylor: he's not suffering. I'm like,

[00:42:33] but now I 

[00:42:35] and there's a cycle of things that sometimes, and you're right.

[00:42:40] That is a piece of advice. Sometimes you just don't have to say anything. Just sit there with me. And that's all I wanted. And my friend Kara understood that. And Colby, he it was harder for him to understand. He's coming around, come around a lot more now. At first it was harder for him to understand, but thankfully, Kara, she had been through the schooling, she was human services, she had studied the psychology and things like that, that I was studying.

[00:43:06] And so she, knew, and she understood, I don't have to talk, let's just sit here. And so she was a big part of that for me, and me and her are still friends today. We talk about every other day. But yeah, I came back to school and all the girls on my hall, my what do they call it? My RA for the hall had held a meeting and let everyone know on the hall what was going on.

[00:43:31] And so everybody on the hall wrote me a note. And so I got to have that when I came back and I had individual notes from everybody. And so that was really good, to have I have support. And so I had support from my friend, Kara, my husband, and just these girls in 

[00:43:50] my hall that I don't even know.

[00:43:52] And so 

[00:43:53] it is, it was so cool. And So anyways, fast forwarding a little bit more, I was depressed, super, super depressed I didn't go do anything, I didn't want to go do anything my grades never suffered, thankfully, that was something that I put all my focus on was school and my grades, but as far as going out and doing things, I didn't do it, I was depressed, I 

[00:44:16] slept all the time, I didn't want to do anything and then eventually Colby was like, look, 

[00:44:22] you've got to go to therapy 

[00:44:24] and I didn't want to.

[00:44:25] I was against it. I did not want to go because

[00:44:29] when you're in that state 

[00:44:31] and you're so 

[00:44:31] depressed, why do you want 

[00:44:33] to go talk about it? You know what I mean? Like, why do you want to go talk about it? But I ended up solely to please Colby. I went to therapy and that's the best thing that I could have done. And, that's another piece of advice I guess you could say 

[00:44:52] is you're probably not going to want to go, 

[00:44:56] but do it. That is the best thing that I 

[00:45:00] could have done. I 

[00:45:00] built this awesome relationship with my therapist. And she just helped me with so much and she helped me realize. things that I would have never realized on my own.

[00:45:13] She helped me to be able to learn to talk. To learn to ask questions because, that's just something so simple that I didn't know how to do, didn't want to do. And so she helped me learn all of these things. And,

[00:45:28] I actually haven't seen her in a couple of years. I stopped going.

[00:45:31] But I told her 

[00:45:33] at one point I started having dreams and of people hanking

[00:45:40] and I never saw my brother. I never 

[00:45:42] saw him in 

[00:45:44] that way. 

[00:45:47] But I started having dreams of

[00:45:48] it, of him, other people, and I told my therapist this and she was like, look, you may have a little bit of PTSD. And that's another thing, people associate PTSD with military with people that are in the military, and while that's so true and is a completely different form of PTSD that I am not claiming to have, it is also true to this situation as well.

[00:46:15] And so she's you may want to go talk to a doctor. You may want to be put on some medicine. By this point I had built my relationship with her. So I trusted her and I didn't question her. I was like, you know what, you're right. So I ended up getting on medicine. It took a couple of dose changes to get it right, but we finally got it right.

[00:46:32] And that's not something that you have to do forever. Some people do and that's okay. 

[00:46:37] But I've been off my medicine since August of last year, 2023, and I feel 

[00:46:43] great, and I'm so glad that I'm off of it, it's okay to be on it for a while, it's okay to be on it temporarily. 

[00:46:50] I did these things, I went to therapy, I got on medicine, I talked with Miss Williams a lot she became my mentor, and, just, I won't say I got better, because, that's always there.

[00:47:02] It's always there. That's going to be a part of my life from now on. That's a part of my testimony from now on. And it's always going to be there. You don't just get better, but you learn how to cope with it. You learn how to talk about it. You learn how to be open with it. And if someone asks a question, you learn how to not get offended by that question.

[00:47:23] And you meet new people and they say do you have any siblings?

[00:47:28] Maya: Our favorite question to get, I know.

[00:47:30] Taylor: That's a question that I always, I never knew how to answer it. I never knew how to answer it. But now I can confidently say, yes, I had a brother. He passed away in 2018. And that just opens up doors. It opens up conversation. 

[00:47:47] Maya: But you had to navigate that in your journey, like, how do I want to answer that? What feels good for me? And I always tell people, I'm like, Try on different things, for, and sometimes it's different, and we talked about it on the show many times sometimes it's different, like, when you meet people, sometimes you feel safer with some people than other people, so you may find yourself responding differently sometimes I speak in present tense, sometimes I speak in past tense, it's And that's okay.

[00:48:08] That's totally okay. This is your grief journey. And just like you said, therapy, I recommend therapy for everybody. I think it can be helpful for everybody. If you need medication we have very similar stories with that, Taylor. Like I was saying, I took antidepressants for years.

[00:48:22] And I've been off it for about a year now as well. And so it's I was on it for six years, that was a long time, five, six years, and, some people need it longer, some people need it less, but and I also changed medications and, I still have that sneaking suspicion that I get, like I kept it like a security blanket a little bit because I really didn't need it that long, but, did what it needed to do and there's no shame in that at all, no 

[00:48:42] Taylor: you learn, like you were saying, 

[00:48:45] who you can trust, who you 

[00:48:46] can tell things to. And it's okay if you don't wanna tell them that. Thankfully I have come to a point where I'm like, yes, I 

[00:48:53] had a brother. He passed away. He actually committed suicide in 2018. Like I. I guess through therapy and, realizing that the more we talk about it, the more the stigma goes down. 

[00:49:04] And I always try to sneak it in there to open up a conversation. And, it's opened up many different conversations. Some people like, 

[00:49:14] That's what I've struggled with, or I've also dealt with this, or I've 

[00:49:18] Maya: Isn't it shocking? People that you wouldn't have thought, and they're like, they tell you, I do something very similar with the homicide aspect of my brother's story, and I'm like, I used to not put that part in there, right? And then now I'm completely open about it. I'm like, yep, I lost my brother in November of 2016 to a homicide.

[00:49:33] Boom. 

[00:49:34] Done. 

[00:49:34] Taylor: How I say it. Who

[00:49:36] Maya: I'm like. And it's so interesting because you can, it also will tell you a lot about another person, too. That's what I've discovered, too. Because when you're, when you get to a point where you're emotionally, mentally, and physically confident, and that doesn't mean it doesn't bother you, it just means that you're in a place where you Are comfortable with yourself, and their reaction is not a reflection of you, right?

[00:49:58] Their reaction is a reflection of themselves. And so being able to say that it's interesting. It's interesting to watch people's reactions, actually, from a psychological standpoint. Yeah.

[00:50:06] Huh. 

[00:50:07] Huh. 

[00:50:07] Taylor: can be a bit funny. And they're just like, whoa, you didn't have to tell me that. 

[00:50:12] Maya: Yeah. 

[00:50:12] Taylor: I'm like you asked, so I'm

[00:50:15] gonna tell you.

[00:50:16] Huh? Did you 

[00:50:18] want the answer? So yeah, if it was sporting and all of that I've become very open about it. I'm a stay at home mom now, but previously I worked in mental health.

[00:50:27] And so I learned a lot there. I've met so many people there. Actually, the CEO, his wife, me and her clicked because her brother also died by suicide. 

[00:50:37] And so me And her clicked in that way. And our patients and things like that, I had a chance to say, I've 

[00:50:45] been there. And that's not to reflect or glorify myself, it is not to glorify myself in any way, but it's to say, you're not alone.

[00:50:55] Maya: Yes. 

[00:50:56] Taylor: that you feel like you're alone, but you're not. And I know you're not because I've been there and

[00:51:03] Maya: that's what we want to feel as humans. We don't want to feel like we're alone. We want to feel like we have shared experiences. And even though it's, it feels counterintuitive sometimes when you lose a sibling in such a tragic way, like suicide, because you're like, I don't want anybody to have gone through this.

[00:51:18] I don't want anybody to experience it. It's our nature as humans to want to connect in a level of, I, I've been through that too. So it's a, it's an interesting dance that we do with that. 

[00:51:29] Taylor: And I've always, I've said, since then, I want to share my brother's story. I want to, like I said, bring the stigma down. The more we talk about it, the more we can bring that stigma down, the more people are going to go get help that they deserve to have. And so I always, any chance I get, I try to talk about it.

[00:51:48] I went to school for human services. I worked in mental health for almost three years. I got my mental health first aid certification, I just went all out. I was like, I want to help these people As much as I can and so that's what I did and i'm So proud of that. And I think my brother would be so proud of that as well.

[00:52:09] And then, so to fast forward a little bit more, just a little tidbit. I wanted to throw in there. My husband and I, we got married and we have a little boy now, 

[00:52:17] and he is named after my brother.

[00:52:19] Maya: I love that. I felt like that's where you were going with that. 

[00:52:22] I love that. Oh, 

[00:52:24] so his name was Blake? 

[00:52:25] Yeah.

[00:52:26] Taylor: his middle name is Blake.

[00:52:27] Yeah. 

[00:52:28] Maya: Sister named her son, middle name after my brother Andreas. Yeah. 

[00:52:32] Taylor: I love that. Yeah. It's 

[00:52:33] very special. And it was an obvious choice. When we found out we were having a boy. We immediately was like, he has middle name's gonna be Blake. And my husband was like, yep, I like it. It was just on board.

[00:52:49] Like we 

[00:52:49] had 

[00:52:49] Maya: similar conversation. Yeah, it's really cute. Yeah,

[00:52:53] Taylor: a question about it. It's perfect. Fits him. It fits him. It's a way to remember and honor my brother and for my baby to. Ask questions and to know who his uncle was, even though he's never gonna meet. And 

[00:53:09] Maya: it's very special. 

[00:53:10] Taylor: starter as well. When I tell people his name and they know my brother ah, he's named after your brother.

[00:53:15] And I'm like, yes, he is It's very special.

[00:53:18] Maya: I love that and I, thanks for sharing that Taylor because a lot of people ask that like when I'm on lives or like in support groups and stuff, they're like, is it okay to do this? Is this weird? I think it's great, and you need to do what's comfortable. Some people will have it as a first name or a middle name or a nickname or something like that.

[00:53:32] I think you have to do what feels right and I love that you and your husband were just like, Feels right, it feels good, and I think that's gonna answer a lot of people's questions. One thing I want to point out before we close out and talk about where people can find you, Taylor, if they want to connect with you.

[00:53:47] One thing I, we talked about this before we hit record, so I have to bring this up. Your brother died on August, which is 8, 18th of year 2018. Your brother's I didn't know this till we hit record, but your brother was the number 8.

[00:54:04] Two. On his jersey. And then you were telling me he also had an infinity tattoo.

[00:54:09] I've really been into numerology lately. I think there's something there with that. But this is really one of those moments where I got chills when you told me his jersey was eight, and then the eight, eighteen, eighteen, I was like, and then the tattoo. I think that's, there's just eerie things in a lot of stories.

[00:54:25] But also, I think, You know, I hate that your brother struggled so much with mental health, but what an interesting connection. I don't know what that means, but, maybe someone with, someone that's a medium or something will listen to this and go into numerology and be like, it means this.

[00:54:39] Who knows? I had to point that out though, because I made that connection as we were talking about this story and your brother. There was something with the number eight with him, for

[00:54:47] sure. Interesting. Yeah. 

[00:54:50] Taylor: his Jersey, but when I mentioned his Jersey, it never clicked that we had just had that conversation. Yep. 

[00:54:57] Maya: Very interesting. Taylor, thank you so much for all the work that you've done, and I know your faith has been a part of your journey too, and, sometimes people will talk about that with me too, they'll say, I lost faith, I did too, and then I came back to faith, and, my relationship with God is really good these days, and, I think you and I have that in common as well, and I think that's a part of the evolution too, but tell people where you're from.

[00:55:21] They can connect with you if they wanna have a conversation, because again, losing a sibling by suicide is not talked about enough. Like it's just not in general. So are you a talker? Facebook, Instagram, where are you comfortable people connecting with you?

[00:55:34] Taylor: so I am very active on Facebook. I don't have Instagram or TikTok or anything like that, but Facebook is where I'm at. I'm very active on there. 

[00:55:43] I post a lot 

[00:55:44] about mental health 

[00:55:45] and suicide. On there as well, for awareness. And there's also That group, I actually think that's where me and you connected at first, was that group.

[00:55:54] It's Parents and Families 

[00:55:56] of Homicide and Suicide Victims is 

[00:55:58] what it's called. it's a Facebook group and I'm actually one of the admins for that group.

[00:56:03] Maya: Yeah, I'm too, yeah. Awesome. Okay. 

[00:56:06] Yeah, perfect. And you're in our group, too, of course. Yeah, the Surviving Siblings

[00:56:10] Podcast 

[00:56:10] group, I believe. Yeah. Okay, perfect. So we'll make sure that we put your Facebook link in there and we'll put both of the groups in there, too, because that, I love being a part of that group as well.

[00:56:19] Awesome. Taylor, thank you so much for sharing your story and sharing Blake's story. I know this is going to help so many siblings, so thanks for being here.

[00:56:27] Taylor: for having me.

[00:56:28]