Sidney Loses Dottie To Addiction

[00:00:00] Welcome to the Surviving Siblings podcast. I'm your host, Maya Roffler. As a surviving sibling myself, I knew that I wanted to share my story, my brother's story. I lost my brother to a homicide in November, 2016. And after going through this experience, I knew that I wanted to share my story and his story.
[00:00:31] And now it's your turn to share your stories.
[00:00:35] Sydney Ep- Maya view: I have another incredible surviving sibling here with me today. Yes, we have a guy on this season. We have Sydney Savoie on today. Sydney, welcome to the show.
[00:00:48] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: Thanks for having me. It's really exciting to be here.
[00:00:52] Sydney Ep- Maya view: It's bittersweet, is what I always say, right? It's exciting to share your story and to connect with people, but I always say I wish we met under different [00:01:00] circumstances, but it is an incredible community to be a part of because we all get it. Yeah, so today, Sydney, you're going to share your story with us, and of course you're going to share about your sister, Dottie.
[00:01:12] Sydney Ep- Maya view: Do you want to tell us a little bit about you and Dottie? You were quite different. Close in age to so tell us a little bit about you guys growing up together what your family dynamics were like I'd love to start there.
[00:01:23] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: Yeah. So she was about two and a half years older than me born in December 78. I was born in May of 81 and she's actually adopted. My parents got married in the early seventies and they wanted kids and it just wasn't happening. And so what they ended up doing was adopting my sister out of an agency in the Dallas area.
[00:01:43] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: Yeah. Yeah. And I've heard that this happens in a lot of other similar cases as well as they adopted her and they were full time school teachers starting another business on the side So I think my mom's body was just stressed out the body just couldn't handle a pregnancy So they adopted her that forced them to slow [00:02:00] down and drastically alter their lives and how they lived it they got pregnant had a miscarriage.
[00:02:05] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: So I technically have two siblings that have passed And then, of course I was born in May of 81. I, and I mentioned in the eulogy at my sister's funeral, I literally owe my life to her. Had my parents not adopted her, I feel confident saying that I would not be here. So we, it's me, it was me and my sister and my mom and my dad.
[00:02:27] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: My personality while I have moments of like passion and excitement and energy I'm pretty even keeled. I'm pretty laid back. You could describe me with words like steady, reliable, calm. My sister, complete opposite. She was like the bull in a China shop. She was like the crazy Chihuahua. She just had so much energy and passion and drive.
[00:02:51] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: She could have talked to and made friends with a brick wall. She could, she could have talked to anybody, she was incredibly talented as a [00:03:00] dancer. She had so much potential. Of course that. Because our personalities were so different, I think is why we bumped heads a lot growing up.
[00:03:09] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: Not necessarily in any terrible ways. Really how you would just expect two siblings close in age to be. And then of course my parents, former school teachers, dad, former military. And then of course they started their family business, a trophy and award shop, and then eventually went into that full time.
[00:03:28] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: And yeah, just that's our little nuclear family there growing up.
[00:03:32] Sydney Ep- Maya view: Yeah, and I when I started to learn about your story I just thought it was so touching and I were already starting deep here But I thought it was so touching that you Said about your sister Dottie that you owe like your life to her like, you know You're here and I think it is a story that we do hear About couples right and they adopt and then Oh my gosh, here comes Sydney, right?
[00:03:56] Sydney Ep- Maya view: It is common. It is something that I've learned over the years too. I [00:04:00] hear these stories and it's really a beautiful thing. And I think it's really special just in the family dynamic too, right? To come together and the special like bond that you had with Dottie because of that. But I think you bring up a good point too.
[00:04:13] Sydney Ep- Maya view: I had siblings very close in age two and when you're close, like They're just things that are so amazing, like they're your first friend, but they're also your first fight, and sleepover, but enemy, and then you're stealing stuff from each other and hiding stuff from each other, 
[00:04:27] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: making signs on your door. Do not come in my room. Not allowed.
[00:04:31] Sydney Ep- Maya view: Yes.
[00:04:32] Sydney Ep- Maya view: There's all those interesting phases that you go through and I think only siblings really understand that and understand those dynamics and, you can hate each other one day but you know what else better talk about them and, like, all those really beautiful dynamics that happen but you have quite an interesting one with Dottie being adopted and then you were this amazing miracle that happened afterwards.
[00:04:54] Sydney Ep- Maya view: So it's an interesting dynamic. And then
[00:04:56] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: I need you to call my parents and remind them that I'm an amazing [00:05:00] miracle. Just maybe a little
[00:05:01] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: There. 
[00:05:02] Sydney Ep- Maya view: Out to your parents.
[00:05:03] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: In terms of her being adopted when I was younger, like my parents never hid it from us. So I always knew and except for when I, we might get in fights and I might take some jabs out or whatever, which I regret that I did that.
[00:05:16] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: But. Kids do dumb stuff, but honestly I never, when I think about it, I never saw her as anything other than just my sister. She wasn't my adopted sister. She was just my sister. And as much as we clashed when we were younger, once we got to adulthood and both matured. I wouldn't say we ever had a bad relationship growing up, just sibling rivalry.
[00:05:38] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: But once we got to be adults, we had a good relationship. We may not have talked all the time. We may not have always been running in the same circles, loved each other. I think we had, I feel like we had a good relationship as adults. 
[00:05:50] Sydney Ep- Maya view: And I think again, I think a lot of us can connect with that as well. And when you get older, different things happen and your relationship can grow. And I, there's a lot of folks that come on the show or, [00:06:00] join different things that we do. And, when you lose your sibling young, sometimes you don't experience that evolution.
[00:06:05] Sydney Ep- Maya view: Yeah. It's something I'm happy about as well. And Sydney, it sounds like you feel the same way that at least we did get that kind of time to maybe shift to an adult relationship. So that is, but it can make the loss very challenging too. So tell us a little bit about. Dottie. Yes, she's bull in a china shop, extroverted.
[00:06:25] Sydney Ep- Maya view: She sounds like the life of the party, but I know she did struggle. She did struggle with drugs, addiction, some kind of dark things. Walk us through that. How did this happen for her? It's a, it's unfortunately not an uncommon story. So tell us a little bit about that.
[00:06:42] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: I even wonder too, if she might've had undiagnosed ADD or ADHD. And the reason I say that is because. Anybody that meets Dottie could have seen that she was so passionate, so talented, had tons of potential, but it's like she just couldn't ever quite focus, is the best [00:07:00] way to put it. Now, growing up, She was still the same person she was in adulthood as far as her personality.
[00:07:05] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: The difference is living at home with parents, they forced her to focus, to the point where she got through school for the most part. And, it was a very talented dancer, did dance classes for years and years. But I often wonder if maybe there was some ADD or ADHD there.
[00:07:22] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: My parents always said growing up that she struggled with depression and, bipolar disorder. So there was a degree of mental illness. Again, she had gone to some counseling. I think at one point she had been prescribed medicine to take. But, as a lot of people know, it's one thing to get prescribed it, it's another thing to take it.
[00:07:42] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: faithfully enough to the point where it's effective, maybe the way that they're thinking it could or should be. I do know, everybody's taken medicine of some sort that may not make them feel real good. I think that might have been part of it. But it's also like you take it, you think you're getting better, and then you stop, [00:08:00] and then you're not really better.
[00:08:01] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: But, Yeah. The depression is a little harder to notice sometimes because it could come across as, Oh, that person is tired or whatever. There was one specific instance, I'd hear my parents saying that stuff growing up, depression, bipolar. I think because they, as much as I knew her and was in the home with her, they dealt with her in a totally different way than I did.
[00:08:23] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: I can never understand because I was never her parent. But then there was this one instance, we were going to the Houston area to visit my older niece for her graduation. And my sister was riding with us and my parents, my dad said something, I don't even remember what it was, that was apparently not to her liking.
[00:08:46] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: I thought she was asleep in the back seat. She bolts up like at lightning quick speed and then goes from what I thought was almost asleep to just in this furious rage of [00:09:00] emotions, literally at the flip of a switch is what it was like. And I was shocked. I could not believe that you could go from that low to that high in a split second.
[00:09:11] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: But at that moment, it really clicked for me and said, Oh, my goodness. Oh my gosh, she does struggle with bipolar like bipolar really is a thing It's not just a fancy word. Someone made up to describe someone who's being moody like it's for real so that was a watershed moment for me. I think it was the first time that I Poignantly came face to face with some of the mental health struggles that I think she had I think, I don't know how to clinically state this, but I've heard people described as being addictive or having addictive personalities.
[00:09:43] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: I've met, a few people like that over the course of my life. She was one of those, again, she could instantly bond with people and things and vice versa. People and things could instantly bond with her, which is good and bad. It's good in the sense that [00:10:00] life is all about connection. But it's bad when you end up connecting with someone or something, or vice versa, that's maybe not good for you, and if she was having the struggles with mental illness that she was having, then if she bonded with someone or something that's not good, it would have been harder for her to navigate that.
[00:10:19] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: So she, I think that's probably the addictive personality is where her struggles with, whether it be drugs or alcohol or whatever behavior, it might be where a lot of that stems from. And then I think all of those things wrapped up into one also played off of the fact that she was adopted.
[00:10:38] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: Again we, my parents never hid it from her. They never hid it from me. They didn't say, Oh, that's my adopted daughter. I didn't say that's my adopted sister. She was my sister. She was their daughter, but I've read books on adoption. And I know that can also be a difficult wound to deal with. She did eventually get in touch with her birth mother.
[00:10:56] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: They were, when you met her birth mother, you [00:11:00] saw and then you observed by behavior that's where she came from
[00:11:05] Sydney Ep- Maya view: Wow.
[00:11:05] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: In both good and bad ways. And then after a few years, I think because they were so much alike is why they really like they were button heads a lot. It's not that they ever got to a point where they hated each other, but it was just too tough, it was like
[00:11:20] Sydney Ep- Maya view: old was she, Sydney? Yeah, how
[00:11:22] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: Oh gosh 
[00:11:23] Sydney Ep- Maya view: her birth mother? Cause that's a big moment.
[00:11:26] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: She was probably somewhere in her 30s. I don't remember exactly what year it was Yeah, it wasn't until her 30s and the thing was I don't know. I don't know how the verbiage with adoption works if it was closed or not, but I think my sister initiated the search, which, once all that happened and we met her birth mother I never really had any problems with that.
[00:11:50] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: My parents didn't either. I didn't feel like that made me not her brother or my parents, not her parents and just added an extra layer to the family. [00:12:00] And I think when it was good with her and her birth mother, I think there was a healing aspect of that to her. But again, it didn't last forever.
[00:12:09] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: And I don't know that the fact that it eventually they parted ways was necessarily the one thing or even a thing that sort of moved her towards her eventual passing, but I'm sure it probably hurt. I'm sure, you go all those years, not knowing your birth mother, you reconnect. It seems good.
[00:12:29] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: We're so much alike. And then it eventually peters off. I'm sure that was tough. I can't imagine what it's like and I'll never know, but I know it wasn't easy 
[00:12:38] We hope you're enjoying this incredible episode of the surviving siblings podcast. I'm your host, Maya Roffler. We'll be back in just a minute after hearing from our incredible sponsor.
[00:12:53] If you've lost a sibling, trust me, I know exactly how you feel. I'm Maya. I'm the host of the surviving [00:13:00] siblings podcast, but I'm also the founder of the Surviving siblings support. I know that going through this experience is extremely difficult, whether you've lost a brother like me, a sister, or perhaps more than one sibling.
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[00:14:20] Sydney Ep- Maya view: I agree with you completely. I think that must be so challenging. And I think, again, I think that your family is just awesome for I'm personally my belief and just talking to so many people who have been adopted or, had siblings and just being so open like that. I think it's super healthy.
[00:14:38] Sydney Ep- Maya view: But I can definitely see from Dottie's perspective, like her. Having empathy for that because being in your 30s, meeting your birth mother, having those connections, but maybe also seeing some things where you're like, hang on a second. There's a lot of layers there in that kind of interaction and just opening up that part of your life too, because you had, [00:15:00] this is your family, you and your parents.
[00:15:02] Sydney Ep- Maya view: are her family, right? But then you have this other box to open and explore and it can, like you said, it can have some beautiful things there and then you may have some things you have to examine and that can be challenging for
[00:15:13] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: Yeah, and, it's funny because, again, it's almost like she had two moms. It's not like she ended up with a birth mother and an adoptive mother. They were just both mom, right? But, I think my sister also realized that even though my parents were her adoptive parents I'm not sure how else to say it, but my sister knew where her bread was buttered in terms of this was, these were the parents.
[00:15:38] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: Now, all credit to her birth mother. I have so much respect for, in that situation you want to have the baby, but you can't take care of it. So here's a way that you can. Make sure that your child is provided for. And then my parents, but my parents were the ones that really, they did the work.
[00:15:55] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: They raised her they dealt with all her difficulties. They were there day in and day [00:16:00] out. But going back to her birth mother, when we met her, we could see exactly why she was the way she was. And then funny enough, my sister had three children. She kept my oldest niece and youngest niece, but when my middle niece was born, she ended up giving her up for adoption because she was just at a spot where it was just the better decision.
[00:16:21] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: We met that niece a couple of times in the first two years or so, but it's it changed from an open to a closed situation. It's not our thing to push any sort of relationship.
[00:16:33] Sydney Ep- Maya view: Yeah.
[00:16:33] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: But from what I heard over the years, that middle niece ended up being my sister's carbon copy, who was her birth mother's carbon copy.
[00:16:42] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: I think maybe the difference was that my niece's adoptive family maybe had a little bit more success in addressing the issues, seeking treatment and trying to get her to a point where it's not that it made the difficult [00:17:00] situation go away, but that My niece could maybe have the tools to deal with it a little bit better.
[00:17:05] Sydney Ep- Maya view: Very well said and I think a lot of people can connect with that, Sydney. And I think it's also, it's just the time too. Like we're just more aware, especially coming out of COVID, we're Just more cognizant of the fact that it's okay to ask for help. It's okay. We could do a whole episode on that because it's also the times, and just talking to folks like you on the show when we think back what could we have done differently with our sibling or, this, it's also time and evolution and understanding mental health more and understanding addiction more or understanding, certain things that we talk about on the show and how we lose our temper.
[00:17:40] Sydney Ep- Maya view: Our siblings, and I just want to tell you as well, that I really connect with what you're saying about. your sister Dottie because my brother was bipolar as well and like he was never formally diagnosed and it was always something I was quite angry at my parents about because my sister and my sister I have two sisters [00:18:00] one is a year younger than me but her and I always used to be like Mom, dad, look at this behavior.
[00:18:05] Sydney Ep- Maya view: And I so connect with the car moment that you were talking about, because I feel like whether you have a sibling who's struggling with mental health or addiction, or there's always a moment and we talk about it on almost every single episode. There's always a moment where people are like, I remember this specific moment where this person did this, whether it's your brother or sister, whomever we're talking about on right in this case, it's your sister.
[00:18:28] Sydney Ep- Maya view: And you remember, and it's an awakening moment, like you said, where you're like, Oh. Oh, they're struggling with this because I remember having those with my brother because he would go, you described it so well, he would go from zero to like off the Richter scale and I'm like, whoa how does somebody do that?
[00:18:45] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: how does that happen? Where did that come from?
[00:18:47] Sydney Ep- Maya view: Because I connect more with you, Sidney. I'm a little bit more of the, I'm a little more of a steady Eddie type of person. I'm pretty even keeled. So watching that in those moments, and then also when my [00:19:00] brother would use drugs or alcohol, it would get aggravated even more and it would become even more escalated, which I'm sure happened in your situation too.
[00:19:10] Sydney Ep- Maya view: But those were the. opening moments for me where I was like, we are not the same. Like I really, and when he was good, he was great. But when he was struggling and those, something set him off or something, like it was, it's like walking on eggshells sometimes and you just love them and you don't want to see them go there, but you have no control over that.
[00:19:28] Sydney Ep- Maya view: And it is very real.
[00:19:30] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: Yeah, and I think it's worth noting too that, people that have struggles, whether it's mental health or whatever else, life is hard enough to figure out and deal with as it is. But I think when they're predisposed to those kind of problems, and then you add even just a little bit of alcohol or whatever substance, it just makes it that much harder, 
[00:19:49] Sydney Ep- Maya view: I absolutely, I watched it myself. So again connect with your story. And I, as you're sharing that moment, and we're talking about this It's hard not to flash back to those moments where I was [00:20:00] like, Oh my gosh but you're, you make a great point too. Life is not easy. It's a ride and we go through a lot, but when you're struggling with mental health or, other things, it's just that much harder.
[00:20:11] Sydney Ep- Maya view: And I just have a deep empathy for, folks like us who have a loved one that, go through life like that. It's tough. It's really tough.
[00:20:19] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: Just share real quick also, my parents for so many years beat themselves up with why isn't she getting better? Why is this so hard? And I think even if you're not the parent, if you're the sibling or whatever your relationship is to the person that is having a tough time, it's easy to do that.
[00:20:35] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: Like, why is it so hard? Why isn't this working? Why can't she just get better? And sometimes you just, you'll never have that answer. You just, you'll never have a definitive reason of why things are the way they are. My parents also, a very wise priest told them when they were in a particular Like difficult period with my sister when she was younger, he it's cliche, but it's so true.
[00:20:58] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: You can lead a horse to [00:21:00] water, but you can't make them drink. I think if we realize that if we do what we can, we set a good example. We try to provide all the resources that we can for the person who's having a tough time, then we can have some peace and rest with that, and whether or not they choose to avail themselves of what help we might be trying to give or whatever it is.
[00:21:21] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: That's ultimately their decision. We can't force them to make that decision. And if they don't make that decision, we might not ever know why. Who knows? So I guess the moral of the story is do what you can, but don't be too tough on yourself when you're dealing with a sibling or whoever that's having a tough time.
[00:21:37] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: Yeah.
[00:21:37] Sydney Ep- Maya view: That is so much easier said than done though Sydney?
[00:21:40] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: I still haven't figured it out. 
[00:21:43] Sydney Ep- Maya view: But, you're on the journey, and no, I, it's such a simple saying, right? But, it's true, and I personally have said it many times too and I, but, I feel for your parents, I feel for you, because you do along the journey.
[00:21:56] Sydney Ep- Maya view: You're like, what could I have done? What are we not doing? But, it [00:22:00] really, there is a simplicity to it, where, That phrase just is perfect and that quote is perfect because they have to want it, right? You have to want it and you have to you can only do so much like they're their own individual person and That was difficult for me on my journey I know that's difficult for a lot of our listeners a lot of you guys listening I hear this all the time, right?
[00:22:22] Sydney Ep- Maya view: What if I did this or what if I did that? And you said it so perfectly, Sydney, you have to get to a point and it doesn't have to be the day after you lose them or even a month or a week or a year, but you do have to get to a point where you release that because you have to know that. You've done everything that you can.
[00:22:41] Sydney Ep- Maya view: And even if, there's that bargaining part that people do where they're like what if I had just kept her in my house and helped her with this, or what if I kept my brother here, right? And like that kind of, but we didn't. And we still loved them and we still wanted the best for them and we were still there for them.
[00:22:56] Sydney Ep- Maya view: And so it's okay. There does come a point where you [00:23:00] have to release it. And I do feel like sometimes we're in a prison of emotion with that kind of stuff. And That can be really challenging, but you said it perfectly. We can lead them, but we can't force them to drink the water. I love it.
[00:23:13] Sydney Ep- Maya view: It's
[00:23:13] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: I think it's, I think it's important to, to make the distinction. You hear a lot about hindsight being 2020 and it absolutely is. But I think hindsight is destructive when we're looking in our hindsight, but then we're staying in the past. And like you said, bargaining where, Oh if I would have just been more available to my sister, then X, Y, Z would have happened instead.
[00:23:35] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: But hindsight can be valuable, and I, it took me a while to get there. When I would use my hindsight to look at what happened. To not live and try to change the past, but to try to be better and help people more going forward, nothing is going to bring my sister back. I cannot go back and change what happened, whether it's my actions or hers, but what I can do is learn from her story.
[00:23:59] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: Learn [00:24:00] from what happened to her and whether it's through, like somebody like you starts a podcast like this to help other siblings or whether, if I just know that somebody lost a sibling or has a sibling that's going through a rough time, or even, when our sons are having a difficult time, I can take what I learned in the past with my sister.
[00:24:19] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: Or whoever else, whatever the experience is and apply that to the future. So I think the key is, are you allowing hindsight to be something that keeps you trapped in the past or are you using it productively to help you like move forward, 
[00:24:32] Sydney Ep- Maya view: I love this. I agree with you completely. And I think it's a big mindset shift. It's a big emotional shift that happens along your grieving journey, because it's, it is normal. It is normal to be like hindsight's 2020 and then get, like you said, get stuck there and think back and be like if only I did this, like we just mentioned, but.
[00:24:52] Sydney Ep- Maya view: I think it's a great way to rephrase it and think, okay, yes, it's okay to reflect back okay, if I had known that, then hindsight [00:25:00] is 2020, but the difference is you can't get stuck there. Like you said, it getting stuck there is what causes a lot of our emotional distress and depression and, and I think.
[00:25:12] Sydney Ep- Maya view: I've had a lot of people on the show who have told me, I've gotten stuck there, I've gotten stuck there, so this is very applicable and I know all of you listening have experienced this at some point too because I did. I got very stuck too in what happened and the whole, just the whole process and I think sometimes too, Sydney, that we think if we go back there and stay, stay there too, it can become so much.
[00:25:33] Sydney Ep- Maya view: It's uncomfortable, but it is also comfortable because it makes us feel like our sibling's still there and they're not, so it's about moving forward and bringing those lessons with us. I think you said that very well. So tell us a little bit about Dottie as an adult and kind of lead us up to, unfortunately, her passing, but tell us what was going on with her. She was 41 when she passed, but tell us a little bit about her life. She has children. So she had, again, still [00:26:00] a very vibrant life. It sounds but tell us a little bit about that.
[00:26:03] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: So she got married very young at the age of 18 when she was expecting my oldest niece. And I think her and her ex husband they were young, they had, they had the right desire we're just trying to do the right thing. We know now that, maybe doing that just because you were expecting a child was maybe not the right The best thing to do.
[00:26:28] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: But anyway, so she got married young while she was expecting my oldest niece my oldest niece, who is now, gosh, 27, I think. And it might've lasted two or three years. They ended up getting divorced. Really wasn't, messy or anything like that. Divorce is never fun, but overall it wasn't too bad.
[00:26:48] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: And then, so that was in 97, my oldest niece was born. I want to say about two or three years later, she got pregnant for, and then had my middle [00:27:00] niece, the one she gave up for adoption, 97. Yeah. So the middle niece was born, I think in 99. And then my youngest niece was born in 2001. So they are spaced about two years apart.
[00:27:11] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: She. You know kept my oldest and youngest niece and middle one gave up for adoption and The father of my younger niece or my youngest niece. She ended up marrying Him and they had a little bit longer lasting marriage again I think you know my sister just having some of the difficulties that she had and even when you don't have any glaring Faults or difficulties.
[00:27:35] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: Everybody has their struggles. So I think all of that kind of mixed together is why the second marriage didn't work out either. And it really seemed like once that once that happened is, When I felt like as an adult, that the sort of instability became a little more noticeable. Cause even if a marriage is not supposed to work out, it's still [00:28:00] hard to go through it.
[00:28:00] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: So I'm sure the first time it was hard for her the second time, I don't, can't imagine it got any easier. And then because of that instability my nieces ended up. Move in a few different times from when she split with the younger, youngest one's dad. And I think they might've even moved around while they were still together too.
[00:28:22] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: But just a lot of that upheaval combined with all the other factors that made my sister who she was, I think looking back on it, I think was maybe the beginning of the end, but like about 10 years before the end happened. Because really after that until she passed I don't know that there was ever a period where I felt like Okay.
[00:28:44] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: She's in a really good spot. Like we're so happy that she's in this spot. She's overcome so much. It's not that she was ever, there were a lot of moments where, Oh my God, she's in danger, this is terrible, but just again this consistent. [00:29:00] Inconsistency was really what marked her life from that point up until her passing.
[00:29:07] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: I thought about it I really feel like I noticed the last year of her life, up until right before she passed, or when she passed, I felt like for that last year, okay, finally, it seems like she's getting a little more stable. It's not that she was having any great monetary or career success.
[00:29:26] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: But she had been with her boyfriend slash fiance, whatever they were for quite some time and things just seemed calm, when you're, when you have someone in your life who is a very volatile person, a very passionate person, sometimes the measure of success is just, are things calm? And that's what I
[00:29:46] Sydney Ep- Maya view: Oh my God, I so relate to this, Sidney. Yes.
[00:29:49] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: And that's what it was for about a year before she passed. It seemed like overall things were calm. I dared to start thinking, is she finally at the age of [00:30:00] 40, 41 starting to turn a corner and then she ended up, passing away in August of 2020. 
[00:30:05] Sydney Ep- Maya view: It is interesting because I can, again, I can relate to it and it's a different, it's a different measure. Like you said, it's when you have someone in your life that has For me, at least, and I think you can connect with this, it seems like constant turmoil or constant things happening, and like, how I measure success for, some of my other family members or friends, it feels like, they're like, oh, I just got that dream job that I wanted, or, oh, my God, I met this I got engaged or, we're having a baby or just like things like that would seem like, Oh gosh, I'm excited for them.
[00:30:42] Sydney Ep- Maya view: They're getting the things that they want. And with someone like my brother and sounds like Dottie was like this as well. It was for him. It was like, okay, we're good. We're going to a job. We've got a calm relationship. [00:31:00] We're happy. We can come to it like a family get together and there's no like drama that
[00:31:06] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: no drama.
[00:31:08] Sydney Ep- Maya view: I get it.
[00:31:09] Sydney Ep- Maya view: Yeah. And then
[00:31:11] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: You mentioned earlier too, about walking on eggshells, there were, she was definitely the type that when things were rough for her, you felt like you had to walk on eggshells. So to me again, success or a good period would have consisted of, you didn't feel like you had to walk on eggshells and you had some consistency and you kind of predictability is another word I'd use.
[00:31:32] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: I don't want life to be boring, but for me, I have to have some consistency and a little bit of predictability, some sort of rhythm. And so that's what her last year was. It was much less if any of walking on eggshells. She was more consistent and life was a little more predictable in a good way.
[00:31:50] Sydney Ep- Maya view: I get and yeah, very well said I connect with that too. And I think I think again, there's all different personality types, but this particular personality type that seems to be. [00:32:00] Both Dottie and my brother Andreas that, yeah, that's something it was like, it was refreshing and I could feel like anxiety, like leaving my body and I would feel really happy after having that kind of, engagement or visit or moment with him.
[00:32:15] Sydney Ep- Maya view: And I, I'm sure you felt the same way with Dottie,
[00:32:18] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: Absolutely.
[00:32:19] Sydney Ep- Maya view: just felt good. So what happened in August of 2020? Walk us through what happened Sydney,
[00:32:25] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: So she passed away from a drug overdose. And it, it was some pretty heavy stuff. It, they, after the autopsy, They found heroin, meth, and fentanyl in her system. One of those by themselves, is deadly enough. You combine all three, it's she didn't stand a chance. We don't know the exact circumstances of what happened because what little investigation happened didn't really go anywheres.
[00:32:51] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: I used to get hung up on that like all these inept police and Somebody's pulling strings or doing this or that malicious thing behind the scenes, but then eventually I [00:33:00] realized Even the most successful investigation that figures out exactly what happened won't bring her back. So and an ex of mine from a few years back had a similar situation of an older sibling who had passed from an overdose, similar thing, investigation didn't really lead me where's, and she reminded me like, I eventually just had to let it go.
[00:33:20] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: Nothing is going to bring that person back. But so we don't know All the details of her passing. We know that she was with her fiance at they were staying in like a mother in law suite at his grandma's house. Cause they were helping to look after her, take care of her a little bit. And as best as I can remember, they did the drugs at some point in the, afternoon or evening, she went to sleep, woke up was apparently, getting really sick Upset stomach type stuff. And then, I guess at some point shortly after that, she passed.
[00:33:54] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: I didn't really get into the weeds or ever find out was it some sort of heart attack or did she [00:34:00] like aspirate or whatever, but drugs the afternoon or evening or day before, getting really having like a violent reaction to it and then passing away and, going back to how I said, she had a, about a year of what seemed like a good period.
[00:34:16] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: Then talking to my niece, my oldest niece, after she passed, she was like, mom was not suicidal. And I truly don't believe it was that. I don't think it was any sort of like giving up hope sort of thing. I think what it is anybody who has suffered with any sort of addiction knows that even when you quote unquote beat it, people that have been, Sober and going to Alcoholics Anonymous for 37 years will tell you it still could potentially happen if you put yourself in the wrong kind of situation with the wrong people you stay sober forever and it could still happen again.
[00:34:49] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: So I think what it was is she had been good for about a year. And I think she just made a mistake and slipped up. I don't think it was any sort of intentional bad thing she was wanting to [00:35:00] do. I think she just maybe. Crossed paths with the wrong people, had a weak moment, not really sure. And I suspect because it's not like that was the first time she had ever done drugs was the night she passed.
[00:35:10] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: She had struggled with it, previously. My theory is that. With the stuff that she had in her system, it was a relapse of sorts. And she probably thought, Oh, I can do this much of these things to achieve whatever I'm looking to achieve with this. Probably not realizing that your tolerance, the longer you're away from something goes down.
[00:35:37] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: That's my theory. I don't know if it's true. God willing, if I get to the pearly gates. After I'm done hugging my sister, I can be like, Hey, what happened? So I don't know but I suspect it was a relapse that she just didn't realize she had lost some tolerance and, that's how it happened.
[00:35:56] Sydney Ep- Maya view: Yeah, that was going to be my question for you. Did you know if she was actively [00:36:00] using, but it just sounds based on, you piecing together information with your niece and kind of you using, putting on your logical, hat, like I do too. So again, connect with this part of the story too.
[00:36:10] Sydney Ep- Maya view: Okay, if this happened and this happened and I just feel like so much of us, especially siblings that listen to the show, like you guys that do and come on the show I feel like it's. our personality types that want to know, which is why we listen and we connect with each other. But yeah, I don't think, I think it's a difficult thing because we'll never know.
[00:36:30] Sydney Ep- Maya view: That's such a hard part of the story
[00:36:32] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: You'll never know, but it's just, you always still want to find out, cause I think finding out as much as you can is maybe part of the grief. Journey. But
[00:36:43] Sydney Ep- Maya view: I agree. I agree. I think it is too. And I think it depends on your personality too Sydney? I think some of us want to know a lot, we want to know as much as possible. And some of us need to know, just this part and then we can, and that's okay too, we're able to move forward. But I think what's important is [00:37:00] understanding yourself on the grief journey and understanding what you need and give yourself what you need and also, this is big learning for me, respecting What other people do want to know and do not want to know, because that's another layer that comes into this, right?
[00:37:15] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: I'm, with my personality, and you mentioned you had a similar one and people like us I need to know to a certain degree, but I've always been one of those people, I don't know if you want to use the word faith, or trust, or whatever, I don't have to know all the details of something.
[00:37:29] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: If I know something's true, or if I believe something, Or I've found out just enough of what I need to know I'm pretty much fine with that. I don't necessarily have to just go into this utmost detail and try to figure it all out. Once I know enough I'm happy with that, 
[00:37:46] Sydney Ep- Maya view: yeah. And I think you're describing something that's really just, again, such a big point for a lot of people, especially early in your grief journey. A lot of you guys listening are early in your grief journey. And I get asked a lot, Sydney should I get the [00:38:00] autopsy report? Should I do this?
[00:38:01] Sydney Ep- Maya view: Should I do that? And I always, that's not a question I typically give an answer to. I question back and I go, what do you feel like you need? What do you need to know? And I also tell people to think about once you get that, what are you hoping to achieve? What are you wanting to get out of that?
[00:38:18] Sydney Ep- Maya view: And I think that is a good deciding factor of whether or not you need to figure that out. But I'm like you, once I got enough answers for my brother, I was like, I have faith that I know what happened and this happened. And you also brought up a really big point. You said that your ex went through something like this too and, it's, you do have to release this at some point and it is a hard process because you want to get justice and you want to find everything out but it's that point, it's another pivotal moment in this journey where you're like, We're never going to know 100%.
[00:38:54] Sydney Ep- Maya view: I've got to release this because, and that's another toughie for a lot of people too, right? Oh, I want to [00:39:00] figure all this out. I want to hold on to it. But there is I guess a peace or kind of a calming release when you can say, you know what? I can let this go now because there's only so much that you can do.
[00:39:10] Sydney Ep- Maya view: And this happens a lot with, when folks come on like yourself with overdose drugs. Homicide, suicide, there's a lot of unanswered questions that are always there, and it is a part of the grieving process to release at some point, because whether that takes you a year, two years, 10 years, 15 years, it is a moment where it happens, and I think it's a pretty pivotal moment. It was for me, at least. And it sounds like it was for you, too, when you were able to just let it go. I think when you're early in the grieving process, people are like, I don't want to let this go. It's us, like I mentioned earlier, keeping our sibling with us. I would love to dive into something we chatted about offline, Sydney. So this is something I had never thought about, but I think [00:40:00] I felt it. You were telling me a little bit about what it's like to lose a sibling and what that kind of meant for you and Do you want to share that kind of quote
[00:40:10] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: Yeah, absolutely. 
[00:40:11] Sydney Ep- Maya view: Powerful in your story.
[00:40:13] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: Everybody will eventually lose all of their loved ones, whether they go before you or you go before them. And those are so many different types of relationships, parents, siblings, friends, loved ones, whatever. And they each have their own special, grief that goes along with it. The more and more I listened to your show it was such a refreshing thing. Cause you're with this community of people that knows what you're going through. But then I really started to think. What is it about specifically sibling loss that is as tough as it is? What makes it unique and maybe different than when you lose a parent, a grandparent, a friend, whatever.
[00:40:51] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: And what, I'm going to, I'm gonna pull up my notes here so I don't misquote myself. I realized that, my sister's death is the closest [00:41:00] I'll get to my own death without experiencing my own death, because She's my sister. We like, we're on the same level, same generation, same parents.
[00:41:09] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: It, especially because we're we were so close in age. That's really the closest outcome to death before my own. And that was like, Ooh, wow. That's a pretty sobering thought. When you have 150 year old great grandma that passes away, you barely know who she is.
[00:41:24] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: That person, not that they're not important to you, but they don't really mean as much to you. In terms of how you related to them, but the closer to your inner circle and your nuclear family, and then when you get to your sibling, who is the same, the same level as you it really hits you like, wow, that.
[00:41:45] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: In an alternate universe, that could have been me instead of her or, it's also a sibling loss is particularly sobering because it just, for me, it reminds me that this particular phase of our existence, whether you're a Christian or not, however you [00:42:00] want to look at it, it's not permanent.
[00:42:01] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: This phase is going to end at some point. For those of us that are lucky, if you want to call it that, it might last 100, 200 years. Some years for those of us that it might not, but it's going to end at some point. And you can tend to forget that because you're just so wrapped up in just living life, which is good.
[00:42:17] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: You don't want to think every day Oh, I'm going to die one day, you want to live your life, but at the same time, you still have to realize that it's going to happen eventually, and that's, I think that's what it was for me. It was just this really, it was probably the most powerful reminder of experience that, Of our mortality, that we're not gonna be here forever.
[00:42:36] Sydney Ep- Maya view: Yeah. I think, again, when we chatted about this before, I was just so excited to share this, just so much of your story. But that quote, I was like, oh my gosh, we have to talk about that, Sydney, because when you said it to me for the first time, and even when you said it this time and expanded on it, I just think, wow, because I think I did feel all of that myself [00:43:00] too, Sydney.
[00:43:00] Sydney Ep- Maya view: Like I really connect with that. And what I think is so interesting, there's so many different layers about your story. You and your sister, I'm a very spiritual person. So you and your sister are adopted and I just, she's adopted. You're, obviously biological, but I just think it doesn't matter.
[00:43:18] Sydney Ep- Maya view: I think when we're spiritually meant to be a family, we're a family. That's my two cents on that kind of stuff. And so the fact that you had this reaction to that and felt that, I was like, absolutely. I so connect with what you said because it is very, it's a very sobering experience.
[00:43:34] Sydney Ep- Maya view: Exactly. And it also, my brother and I are only three years apart to the day. We have the same birthday. And so it really hit me hard. And I remember just, Being in the throes of it, being like, God, especially like year two, three, when I was like, really struggling because the case was still going on and all this, and I was like, why is this hitting me so hard?
[00:43:53] Sydney Ep- Maya view: Why? Why is this so hard? Like, all those whys, like why, what's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? But This, which you just [00:44:00] said, Sydney, and like how you explained it, I think is going to be so helpful for everyone listening, because I think it helps us understand why this is so hard, because it is the closest thing to like yourself dying.
[00:44:13] Sydney Ep- Maya view: It's a, it's a moment of a check in my God, we're like near the same age. And even if you do have a little bit of an age gap with your sibling, it does not matter. You guys have experienced a life. together, right? And there are similar things that no one else is going to really understand other than your sibling.
[00:44:28] Sydney Ep- Maya view: And so it's Oh my gosh. So I loved that. Thank you for sharing that with us. I think that's a huge thing to think about because I think we've all felt it, but maybe not had a way to put it in words. Yeah, it's a big one. I also want to talk about, because I connect with this too, I want to talk about the fact congratulations, you are still a newlywed, as I would call
[00:44:50] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: Yeah, it still feels pretty new. It's been about almost a year and a half.
[00:44:54] Sydney Ep- Maya view: that's exciting. But also an interesting dynamic for you as well because [00:45:00] your wife never met your sister, Dottie. Is that right? So how do you guys tell us about that? Tell us how you feel about that, how you navigate that because it's something that comes up all the time. Siblings will say, Hey I'm so excited.
[00:45:14] Sydney Ep- Maya view: I got engaged or Hey, I'm so excited. I know I've just, I met the one I've met my soulmate, but I feel like I can't, I see this every day. Every day, Sydney, but I feel like I can't be happy or I feel like I can't do the wedding or cause my brother's not here or my sister's not here. And I'm sure you connect with that, with Dottie not meeting your wife.
[00:45:35] Sydney Ep- Maya view: So tell us about that experience and how that's been for you.
[00:45:38] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: I think, we talked earlier about how once me and my sister got more into adulthood, we, our relationship matured and we became, a little bit more like friends and related to each other better. And part of that, was I've always been a hopeless romantic. I think.
[00:45:55] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: Probably since the moment I was born, I knew I wanted to get married and have a family. That's just what I always desired [00:46:00] most. And I won't say unfortunately, cause I think the timing was what it was supposed to be, but it's just, when it doesn't happen until later in life it can be a little difficult.
[00:46:11] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: It's really difficult to wait when you're so ready for something, or at least you think you are, and you're so passionate about it. And she was always like, One of my biggest cheerleaders, she was always on my side and not that she ever really tried to set me up with anybody, but she was just always asking about that kind of stuff and, hoping for the best and just always wanted me to be happy. While it's sad that this side of heaven, my sister and my wife will never be able to meet. It was still really special to, know that my sister was in my corner. But yeah, the tough side of it is, mourning those relationships that either ended or that will never get to happen.
[00:46:52] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: Wife is in some ways very different than my sister, but they're both like very passionate people, very fiery personalities. I [00:47:00] really feel that they would have just loved getting to meet each other and hang out with each other. So I think that. Of all of the, losses related to my sister's passing.
[00:47:10] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: That's probably one of the bigger ones. And then the other one kind of related to that is that, when you get married you dream about growing old with that person. I think it's the same with siblings, and so in a similar vein I won't get to grow old with my sister and that's hard to, because She didn't get to come to my wedding cause she had passed.
[00:47:33] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: She won't get to see all these other milestones that'll happen. One day when my parents pass as a sibling, like we, there's going to be other family and people there, but I will be the sole kind of person remaining from my parents to, to have to deal with that and to not have her there when it happens, one day is obviously going to be difficult.
[00:47:55] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: , mourning those, lost relationships and those people not being there for the [00:48:00] milestones.
[00:48:01] Sydney Ep- Maya view: Yeah, we often call them secondary losses and I. I didn't have a clue what that was, seven and a half, eight years ago, right? Now I'm very well aware of what those secondary losses are and, weddings, kids, other deaths, transitions, things happening in your life, new jobs, different adventures.
[00:48:23] Sydney Ep- Maya view: These are all things that we don't think about until we lose our brother or sister. And then we're like, wow. And that's a big one that comes up to Sydney is When it's two of you, right? And you're the surviving sibling, there's no S on the end, the surviving sibling. So that's right.
[00:48:42] Sydney Ep- Maya view: You're your point of contact for parents for
[00:48:46] Sydney Ep- Maya view: Rest of their time. And that's a whole other conversation too, because you thought you had Dottie to go through that with, and to go through that experience and your parents getting older and you guys helping them. But. [00:49:00] It's on you.
[00:49:00] Sydney Ep- Maya view: And so those are a lot of these like heavy secondary losses that can happen. And so It's not just the happy milestones It can also be the difficult milestones too and those are your siblings are your people and then they're not there to experience that With you and I've had a lot of people share sometimes that they go through so many different emotions about it Like sometimes they're sad.
[00:49:21] Sydney Ep- Maya view: Sometimes they're angry. They're like You're not going to be here to help me with the parents anymore. There's so many different emo Do you experience all of that too, Sydney? Do you go through those types of emotions? Or where are you today with that?
[00:49:31] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: I, I feel like specifically with that, like just taking the example of my parents, one day they'll pass away and I'll have to deal with all of that. It I'm not so much frustrated that she won't be there for that because I know that kind of with her personality and some of the difficulties that she had.
[00:49:50] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: I don't know if that kind of thing would have been her forte or that she would have been able to be real present for that kind of thing. But yeah, other than that, the [00:50:00] frustration of her not being there just in our lives on a daily basis or for the milestones it was tough.
[00:50:06] Sydney Ep- Maya view: It's very tough. Yeah. Sydney, tell us a little bit about how is your relationship now with your nieces since the passing of Dottie? Has that been, Gosh, such different dynamic backgrounds, right? One, one was adopted. And so how have you maintained a relationship? Has, how has that been?
[00:50:25] Sydney Ep- Maya view: Because that's another layer that happens too when your sibling passes and then they have children.
[00:50:32] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: yeah. It's tough that my sister's gone, but. Obviously, you live on through your descendants, and so it's like she's gone, but in a way she's not the middle niece the one that my sister gave for adoption, we, gosh, it's, she's 25 by now, I haven't seen her or heard anything of her since she was like two.
[00:50:53] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: So there's not really any relationships there. I say, I would say I have a good relationship with my oldest and my youngest [00:51:00] niece. The youngest one lives, I think in the Houston area. I'm not the world's best uncle. I don't know all the details, but she's like Houston, Dallas area, somewheres around there.
[00:51:09] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: She's doing really good for herself. She's in a really good relationship. The guy's got his head on straight and has a, it looks like a. Good career ahead of them. We don't talk that often, but that's life, I don't hardly ever talk with my uncles or, and it's not out of anything bad.
[00:51:26] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: It's just you grow up and you the unit breaks down into different subunits and then that becomes a unit. But good relationship. And then my oldest niece actually lives two doors down from my parents. They were able to, Secure a house for her and her boyfriend and their three kids and get them in a, a good living situation.
[00:51:46] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: And so there are two doors down. So even though she was still living in town, when you're in a different part of town, it's almost like you don't live in the same town. So her being so close to my parents and the fact that I see my [00:52:00] parents usually every week, I keep in pretty good contact with them. It's, Easy to go see my parents and then literally cross the neighbor's yard and then be at my niece's house. I would say we have a good relationship. I think it really hit me and my nieces, me in terms of continuing a relationship with my sister and for my nieces in terms of, also continuing that relationship with her.
[00:52:26] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: But from the opposite direction we realized that we're, we only have each other now because, my parents are in their late seventies. God willing to have a lot of years left, they'll be gone before us likely. And so then after that, it's just going to be me and my two nieces.
[00:52:42] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: That'll really be all that's left of that nuclear family. And I think we've all realized that on some level, which is why even though we may not talk a lot or hang out a lot. We try to maintain a good relationship. We try to touch base. And with my oldest niece being in town, I'd try [00:53:00] to, every so often me and my wife and the kids, or even if it's just me and my wife or, whatever combination we try to foster that relationship, cause we've all experienced with our sibling loss, that hindsight and overanalyzing the past and what if I could have done this and we realized we're through that trying to live and stay in the past as if we can bring our sibling back Or stay in the past with them.
[00:53:24] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: But I think one of the healthy ways of keeping your sibling alive is through some of those secondary relationships. If they had kids or, I'm sure your brother had some friends and some people in the community that y'all knew, and then you peripherally maintain some sort of connection there.
[00:53:39] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: And that sort of helps keep their memory alive, 
[00:53:42] Sydney Ep- Maya view: yeah, I agree. It's becoming a little bit of a theme this season actually talking about that specific topic because I think, yeah, I think it is healing. I wish someone would have told me that earlier, Sydney, right? Those kinds of relationships that touched your sibling. Cause my brother did not have kids, but he had an [00:54:00] amazing girlfriend and that was very healing to stay close to her for a while.
[00:54:04] Sydney Ep- Maya view: And she's just a great person. And, it's also, it's a big thing for me and my youngest sister to talk about the memories of my brother and that's again just like cherishing all of that like you do With your nieces and yeah, it's a moment too to be like, oh my god Like our parents are getting older like they're not gonna be here.
[00:54:22] Sydney Ep- Maya view: Like I mean in a morbid way to think about it Yes, we do hope that they go first and the order happens that way right because that's how it was supposed to happen And it didn't for us right with our sibling you do start to think about those relationships in the memory, so I get it, and I'm so glad that you have relationships with them, because it is, it's a piece of your sister that lives on, and I think that's beautiful.
[00:54:43] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: and you know another way I look at it too is like they're my nieces But now that my sister's gone it I almost feel like they're like my daughters in a way You know, it's their mom is gone and I'm the closest thing to their mom. So it's, it I don't know, it's a neat little dynamic.
[00:54:58] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: I'm blessed by it. I enjoy it. I'm glad [00:55:00] we have that, 
[00:55:00] Sydney Ep- Maya view: yeah, I think it's a, I definitely think it's a positive thing. So one thing I want to ask you before we come to a close, Sydney, I ask every guy that comes on the show this, what perspective do you have about going through this as a man, as a guy? Because Every, it's interesting and I've shared this very vocally with everyone.
[00:55:21] Sydney Ep- Maya view: I've shared this with you every season. We have a lot of people who want to come on the show and I'd love to share every single story and hopefully one day I will get there where we're telling as many stories as possible. But we don't have a lot of men wanting to come onto the show and share. And it's been very eye opening for me, Sydney.
[00:55:39] Sydney Ep- Maya view: sharing these stories and putting my story out there. And I think it's interesting. I do think there's something to that. I do think men grieve differently, but I'd love to hear your perspective on that. Like, why do you think that is what's been different for you on this journey? And have you experienced that?
[00:55:56] Sydney Ep- Maya view: As a man is it, has it been different for you? And do you find [00:56:00] yourself around more women that are open about their grief? What has this been like for you? I'd love to hear your perspective on this.
[00:56:05] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: I'll corroborate what you said and that every single episode of listen to none of them have been men. I'm sure I'll come across one eventually, but, and, to also reference, we talked about people with personalities like yours and mine, where we're a little bit more laid back.
[00:56:21] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: I think just because my personality was like that, I tended to maybe not be as likely to be as vocal or as proactive in my grief. And then of course, guys, it's, it just seems like guys in general whether it's intentional or not, we generally speaking, don't process and talk about and deal with emotions.
[00:56:43] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: I feel like I'm a little bit of an outlier, In spite of my personality, maybe because of it, it's, the grief journey was something that I was never afraid to go on. When my sister passed, one of the first things. Two big things that I did. [00:57:00] First of all, what I noticed about my sister passing, and this was really the first time I had ever experienced it in life, is it really helped me to truly, to really, truly experience emotions and to really Plumb the depths of emotion that exists in our hearts and in our minds.
[00:57:20] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: I wish that I would have had a positive experience in life that would have really caused me to truly experience the depth of my emotions and explore them all, but, looking for some positives from my sister's legacy and from her passing, it absolutely got me in touch with my emotions.
[00:57:36] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: So I don't know that I would have been able to really, Be as emotional as I feel like I am now versus before Had she not passed? Now if I could bring her back and then just not be as in touch with my emotions as I was before she passed I would absolutely do that.
[00:57:51] Sydney Ep- Maya view: If I could just have both, that'd be great. But it's about finding these like gifts in the pain, right? Absolutely.
[00:57:57] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: so that yeah, she when she [00:58:00] passed it really that was the beginning of Experiencing emotion and going on the grief journey to the two main ways that I feel like I Constructively dealt with my grief during the first year Is one of our local hospices has a really good, and it's all free grief support groups.
[00:58:20] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: I did two six week rounds of that. And again, I don't know if any of them were sibling losses or not, but just again, knowing that the people in the room that I was sharing space with had also lost a loved one. And that I could see Oh my God, look, it's heartbreaking for them as well.
[00:58:37] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: Whether it's, they said something that helped me or just sharing that space with them. And knowing that nothing else, but okay. I don't, I might not identify with your story, but in my heart, I know what you're going through. So even if that's the only comfort I can offer you, then we can offer that to each other.
[00:58:58] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: So [00:59:00] I felt like I was proactive with tangible. Grief support measures, groups or going to a labyrinth walk or whatever, like I sought out ways to interact with my grief because I knew that, grief unchecked is probably not the best thing. Another thing that, why did I feel called to do this versus how other people deal with it?
[00:59:26] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: For a year, every single Sunday after I'd go to church and then have lunch at my parents house, and I was still unmarried at this point. Every single Sunday after that was done, I would go drive out to my sister's grave, visit her, leave some flowers, because and, I knew I was doing it because I was sad and I was grieving.
[00:59:45] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: I don't know why that manifested like that, but it's something I felt called to do. I wanted to do. It was a way that I could feel close to her and move on at the same time. I would. [01:00:00] I would encourage people to find whatever that thing is and do it and don't be ashamed of it, no matter how weird it might seem to somebody else, just do it. One of the, one of the things that, that I did during that year where I'd visit every week is, When she was in preschool when she was really young She would always say I want a pet cow to ride from our house to preschool every day so I went to one of the local like tractor supply places and for whoever's watching this on video And I found this little tiny cow and I bought it and I went and I put it out on her headstone and it pretty much stayed there like Through that whole first year.
[01:00:39] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: It never, nobody ever stole it. It never got knocked over by the long guys. Like it was just a little thing. Some obscure thing had to do with my sister. And for whatever reason, I latched onto that and I did it. And it's strange how some of these little things can be so comforting and can mean [01:01:00] so much.
[01:01:01] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: So I guess, again, to sum all that up, just being proactive during, especially that first year when it's so fresh. And the emotions are so raw and so new. And cause it's an opportunity you'll never get again, that sibling will never pass away again. So while it's fresh, while you have the chance to try to take something so terrible and try to make it, try to take the lemons that life just handed you make lemonade, you gotta go through that process.
[01:01:31] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: Take advantage of it for sure. Yeah.
[01:01:34] Sydney Ep- Maya view: And I think sometimes it feels really Big like a Mount Everest to climb for people, right? But I love everything that you shared because you're like I just I went to group. I just showed up I went to her grave, and I love that you thanks for sharing the cow with us I think that's a really important thing to touch on too because a lot of you guys listening will ask hey What should I do on my?
[01:01:57] Sydney Ep- Maya view: Sister's anniversary, which I do on [01:02:00] my brother's birthday, it's so individualistic, it's so special for you. So I love what you did, Sydney, because it's what you needed, but it also is something just like you guys know, right? The cow, right? And it makes it so special. And that's why I always tell people you don't have to start a podcast or write a book or anything.
[01:02:20] Sydney Ep- Maya view: You just need to do what you do. Is right for you and just follow that, that journey. And I just, I love that. Thanks for sharing that with us. I want people to think about stuff like that. It has to be important to you and a connection to them because that's a part of the healing. process. Sidney, anything else you want to share with us before we close out? I 
[01:02:41] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: I, the only thing that really comes to mind is I'm so incredibly grateful, speaking of how do you use your grief constructively? I'm grateful that you started this podcast. I know that everybody that has found it, it's just such an awesome resource. And I just want to encourage, just encourage everybody to continue along the grief [01:03:00] journey to, that I've noticed now that I'm in year four.
[01:03:05] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: The rough edges are a lot smoother, you, it, there's this fear that, Oh my gosh, as the years go on, I'll forget stuff. And it's true. That's just life. You might forget what somebody sounds like, or you might forget a lot of the details, but the memory is still there. They're still there in your heart.
[01:03:22] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: And it does get better, in the immediate aftermath, we can all attest to the fact that it hurts like hell and it is so tough. And you just think, Oh my gosh, this is never going to end. I don't want to move on. Cause that's the further away I'll get from my sibling. But as of year four, I can say that.
[01:03:42] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: The journey gets better and it's, every once in a while, it's not super frequent. I'll have these moments where it really hits me, but for the most part, it's like just happy memories and happy remembrances, she's not suffering anymore, she can, she sees and experiences reality in such [01:04:00] a lucid and enlightened and elevated way that, that I couldn't even possibly imagine. And I guess just, I want to encourage everybody to continue on that grief journey. Always be open for when, someone might want to interview you for a podcast or hear your story or whatever, like you just never know. What those words can mean to somebody. So always just be ready to share.
[01:04:22] Sydney Ep- Maya view: love it, Sidney. Totally. It's, that could be a whole episode too, right? You just never know. Like now that I share so openly, it's really wild the people that reach out and I know a lot of people are going to connect with your story too. Sidney, is there anywhere in particular that you would like people to reach out to you if they, again, because There are going to be a lot of people that connect with your story.
[01:04:42] Sydney Ep- Maya view: Are you particularly active on a social platform? We'll drop it in the show notes too.
[01:04:46] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: I am on Facebook. I'm not sure if you'd have to literally type my entire name, but it is Sydney, Eugene Savoie the second on the Facebook. On my email address is sydneysavoie at gmail. com. [01:05:00] And then I'm on TikTok. It's cringe because I never really quite nailed down how to make a good or fun TikTok video.
[01:05:06] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: I have a few silly ones I made. But I think my username or screen name, whatever you want to call it, is sydney1kidney. So Sydney, the number one, and then kidney, because I'm a kidney donor. It's easy to remember, but any one of those platforms, , I love to share, I'm just like you, just like anybody else that's been on your show, we love to share.
[01:05:28] Sydney Ep- Sydney View: I learned in my grief journey. I also learned through friends and loved ones growing up who may have had tough situations or brand handicap or whatever. Just ask about it. Instead of wondering or staring or deliver, like just ask, the more you talk about it and share the better that's the, that's how I feel.
[01:05:48] Sydney Ep- Maya view: agree. I agree. Just talk about it. Just do it. It's like our Nike episode. Just do it. Just do it. Just talk about it. I love it. Sydney, thank you so much for sharing your story and Dottie's story with us today. I appreciate you. 
[01:05:59] [01:06:00] Thank you so much for listening to the surviving siblings podcast. If you enjoyed this episode as much as I did creating it for you, then share it on your chosen social media platform. And don't forget to tag us at surviving siblings podcast so that more surviving siblings can find us. Remember to rate review and subscribe to the podcast.
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