Sydney Charlton

Sydney/big sister of Jeremy/forever 30

I lost my younger brother, Jeremy, on 4/16/22 after a decade long battle w addiction. He got infectious endocarditis and died from heart failure. We didn’t know he was that sick, my mom thought it was covid, I thought it was withdrawal. The paramedics were there less than 12 hours before he died and said he was ok, even tho every sign said he wasn’t. The blew him off, like healthcare typically does. Watching drugs steal my brother from me was absolutely excruciating to watch. He was such a good person, so kind, giving, empathetic, funny, smart, social, athletic.., I could go on. I tried everything to try and get my parents to stop enabling (the stories I have are insane), I’d bring down shoe boxes full of needles, he’d have seizures and they’d let him take their car an hour later. They were in full on denial, and I’ve learned how strong that really is. My brothers room where he passed away dropped me to my knees. It was not my brother, he deserved so much better and I will never forget that image. When I kissed him goodbye he was almost unrecognizable due to how much weight he lost. The guilt I feel for not checking on him is something I’m not sure will ever leave me. I failed him in my mind. I can’t even remember if I told him I loved him that last time I saw him, a month before he died, on a drive we took. He said things during that ride that make me wonder if he sensed that his time was drawing g near. I’ll never forget it. These past three months after losing him have been the worst, most difficult time of my life, and I don’t expect that to change anytime soon. One thing I’m thankful for is the signs my brother has given me to show he is still with us. They’re undeniable and quite shocking in some instances.. I take photos and document most. It gives me a bit of peace knowing he’s still close. I fear my family has a curse, my mom lost her middle sister 50 years ago in a tragic boating accident. She always prayed to never lose a child, and look what happened. Now I fear that even more than I did before. It’s so complicated, the grief of losing a sibling. I’d love to go more in depth with you on my story and some of my moms as well. It’s been in my life since I was little, the ripple effect of it, which is crazy to think about. I miss my Jeremy so much. 30 years was not near enough time with him. He’s my first thought in the morning, and last thought before bed.