Anna Mezouane

Remember the good old 5 sages of grief? You know Denil, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance
Acceptance......... Really? Do we ever really accept the loss of someone we love?
They say these 5 stages is what defines the grieving processes, but if you have experienced the loss of someone that meant the world to you then you know that this is bullshit and that most likely you have gone through all of these stages, not once, but a billion times and you still
don’t feel any better.
Denial, apparently this is the first thing you have to get through to ultimately accept your loss. For me its been 14 months since I lost the love of my life and going on 10 months since I lost my only sibling, my baby sister. I can tell you that I still cant believe that they are really gone.
For months after Johns death I came up with the most insane scenarios that a person could imagine because I just could not believe this was happening. I told myself that he faked his own death and was really hiding out on a island somewhere and I’d hear from him soon. I told myself that he was working undercover with the FBI and CIA and he was living
some top secret double life that he wasn’t allowed to tell me about. I even went as far as to convince myself that it wasn’t really him, that they made a mistake in identifying his body. It sounds so off the wall ridiculous right? But it’s what I did.
I still haven’t come to terms with my sister being gone. I don’t now if it’s because I’m still deeply grieving John or if my brain is just not capable of processing her loss due to all the trauma. I mean because I saw her, I saw her on life support in the hospital with my own two eyes. Yet I feel like she’s just on vacation or something, like she’s just not home right now. So I can tell you that I am still battling with Denial, or disbelief and have been for some time.
Anger, I guess for me I never really got angry at God as most people do. My faith tells me that its not God but the Devil and I believe it. More so I got angry at those who, I believe had a hand in their death. Don’t get me wrong, I lashed out on people who probably didn’t deserve it or at least to the degree or level that I was on.
I mean didn’t people know not to test me? I just lost 2 of the most important people in my life! Crap I was losing things in my life left and right. First John, my job, Katie,then 2 days before her funeral the transmission on my dream car that was almost paid off and that I only owned for 2 years decided to die as well!
Then came the apartment John and I shared, pand basically it’s been down hill ever since.
So yeah I was pretty pissed at the world and anyone who dared to enter my bubble I like to refer to as hell!
However there would be times I would be mad at them. I still get mad at them and sometimes try to justify my poor choices because of their passing. At one point I told myself they didn’t care so why should I ? I would get mad because they did this to me and that if they where here my life would never be like this. And I still believe it too this day. It sounds so selfish doesn’t it? To be honest I don’t care how it sounds because it’s how I feel! Oh boy, there goes thy anger again!
Bargaining, well sure I begged for this nightmare to be just that, and that I woud wake up soon. But I never really bargained, I have enough logic to know that there is no bargaining in death, let alone with God. HA HA! This coming from me, the one who convinced myself that John was undercover and faked his own death.
I more or less took up researching what happens when you die, Heaven and grief.
I try to understand why they where taken and short of suicide, how can I be with them ASAP?
Depression, Come on, who the hell isnt depressed after something sad or bad happens to them? I promise you this is not a phase! You most likely will be depressed many, many, times over after losing a loved one. I can tell you that depression is my new best friend. We go everywhere together and even when I beg for some space, depression proves it’s loyalty. However there are some times I get to smile or laugh. Not often but it happens. When I laugh about memories I shared with John and Katie, or smile when I think of them or look at a picture, right when I can seem to feel the joy of those times BOOM! My best friend is right there to kick me in the ass and bring me back too the reality, that I will never build memories with them again. That I will never see them smile or hear them laugh again. That John and I will never get married, and that Katie will never see her daughter get married. That everything we had planned and that all our dreams would never come true.
If you ask me, those are all pretty damn good reasons to be depressed.
And as for Acceptance........Well to accept is to receive as suitable, so I’ll let you decide.