Claire Loses Rob to Assault

[00:00:00] Mhm.
[00:00:10] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Hey guys, welcome back to the surviving siblings podcast. Of course, I have another incredible surviving sibling with me today. I have Claire Thompson with me. Claire, welcome to the show.
[00:00:22] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Hi, thank you for having me. Sure,
[00:00:25] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: It is my pleasure. I am really excited to have you here today. It's, as I always say, bittersweet that we connect over these stories, the loss of our siblings, but I am really, really looking forward to Hearing you tell your story, share a little bit more about what you're up to in the sibling loss and bereaved sibling community.
[00:00:49] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: And we've got a lot to talk about today, Claire. So the first thing I'd love for you to share with us is give us a little bit of background about [00:01:00] your, your history. Because. As people will notice on this episode, you are not from the U. S. originally, with your wonderful accent. So tell us a little bit about where you're from, tell us a little bit about the dynamics with your family, your sibling Rob that you lost.
[00:01:15] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Paint us a picture of all of that.
[00:01:17] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: sure. Well, yes, I am not from the US as I'm sure all your listeners can hear. I am from Scotland and, uh, I grew up in a very small town in Scotland, on the west coast of the island, and, uh, moved to a place called Perth, uh, in Scotland, which is another small town, and I come from a very small family. Uh, my mom, my dad, and Rob was my only sibling.
[00:01:48] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Uh, he was like the glue that kind of held everything apart, uh, everything together. Together after my parents divorced and my dad remarried, um, which was a [00:02:00] very difficult experience for us. We've always been very close, despite the kind of family separating throughout the years. Me and my brother, and I have a lot of wonderful memories, with him, and of course we did have times where we drifted apart, or maybe didn't see eye to eye about things, but, you know, we always loved and respected one another, and we're very close.
[00:02:23] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: He was a huge role model for me in my life growing up. Uh, I always wanted to kind of be like him and I always look for him to, um, see what to do or what things to like. Um, he was a huge role model and, I have a background in mental health. I've studied psychology for many, many years, um, which I started in Scotland and then moved over to the USA to, to kind of complete my, my studies in psychology.
[00:02:50] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Um, so it's been very hard leaving my family back in Scotland and starting a new life in America. 
[00:02:57] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: A lot of transitions, Claire, right? [00:03:00] Losing, losing your brother and losing, yeah, as we're going to get into. Now, Claire, refresh my memory, you and Rob are how far apart in age?
[00:03:08] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: so we are three years apart, three years apart, three years older. It's my older
[00:03:14] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: have, we have so much in common because, again, you lost your brother when he was 27, I'm jumping ahead a little bit guys, sorry, but I had to, but we've got the 27 club in common, and my brother and I are three years apart, but we're just flip flopped, I'm the older one, so that is already so much synergy in our stories, it's really, really wild, but, no, Claire, when did you come to the U.
[00:03:38] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: S.? How long have you been in the U. S.?
[00:03:42] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: So I initially came in 2018 to, uh, start racing sled dogs here in Alaska. So 2018 was the first year I came here and then I moved here permanently in 2020 during COVID, which [00:04:00] was crazy.
[00:04:01] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: That is crazy. Okay, we're going to get to all of that. Okay, that is wild. I just had to ask that because I was curious about the timeline. So, yeah, I mean, obviously you and Rob, again, I get the three of her apart. I totally get all of that. And I also come from divorced parents, too. So I understand, and going through that and the dynamics and parents moving on to other relationships, it really does, It bonds you, right, and even though you, you can pull apart, you can come back together.
[00:04:28] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: I mean, the, the brother sister relationship is unique and interesting and I enjoy talking about it too, so.
[00:04:36] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: So unique. Yeah.
[00:04:37] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Yeah, it really is. Tell us a little bit about Rob, and then of course I want to talk about what I'm sure you describe as the worst day ever, but tell us a little bit about what Rob liked to do and like what, what were, I mean he was a role model to you, but tell us a little bit about him and his, his things he liked to do.
[00:04:57] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Yeah.
[00:04:58] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Oh, he liked so many [00:05:00] things. He was a very eclectic person, um, just larger than life and he was loved by so many people. He had a fantastic ability to brighten up a room and I think he could make almost anyone in the room laugh within minutes. He was so funny and so quick witted. And he had a very dry sense of humor, which I always appreciated.
[00:05:24] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: He was never afraid of being himself and he was really gifted at making people smile, feel heard and supported and, uh, He was really goofy as well. He had a real goofy side to him, um, which helped make people laugh. Um, and he was insanely intelligent. That's something I was always jealous of. He could see something one time and he would remember it days, weeks, months after.
[00:05:54] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Um, so he was a very intelligent man. And, um, [00:06:00] he, he studied video editing, uh, in college. So he loved to, um, record a whole host of things, make videos, music videos. What else did he do? He, um, he unfortunately didn't get into the university he wanted to do to continue video editing, but he ended up becoming, um, Getting into bartending, which he was incredible at because he was so sociable.
[00:06:25] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Um, and he had very high standards, which the customers always loved. Um, so shortly before he died, he was, he was promoted as a, an assistant manager of a prestigious bar in the center of Glasgow, which is a big city in, in Scotland. So, he loved music, he loved gaming, he had a soft spot for B rated movies, so he just had a, just a fantastic sense of humor, um, but he loved so many things, and, uh, Of course, like a true Scotsman, he loved, uh, the finest [00:07:00] of whiskies, and, uh, many people, uh, including me and the rest of his family and friends, uh, say he lived like a king.
[00:07:08] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: He liked the finer things in life, because life was for living, uh, and he loved to, to live his life to the fullest, so, yeah, yeah.
[00:07:17] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: I'm getting chills, Claire, because thanks for sharing that because it always helps for us to kind of understand not only your relationship, but also like who, who is your sibling, right? Because there's still a part of us and a part of our life and our journey. But. My brother was also into video editing and he shot music videos for a living.
[00:07:37] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: So yeah, very wild. And those of you who have listened to my story, listened to the show, um, know that that's actually how my brother was killed was during that. So yeah, really wild how much synergy we have going on with our brothers. It's interesting. Um, very
[00:07:55] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Rarities.
[00:07:56] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Yeah, a lot of similarities. I had no idea.[00:08:00] 
[00:08:00] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Um, and my brother was very similar. So I connect with, with Rob and you on that too. He liked the finer things. I mean, he, his thing was, he was more of the American vibe where it was like champagne. He loved champagne, good champagne. So like every holiday I always have good champagne in honor of him. So yeah, I'm curious.
[00:08:21] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Are you the same way with like good, like good Scotch or good? Like, yeah,
[00:08:25] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Yeah, good whiskey. Yeah, his favorite. Um, he actually, I think it's an American whiskey, uh, Maker's Mark. Yeah, it was one of his favorites. So,
[00:08:34] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Oh, how funny.
[00:08:35] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: yeah.
[00:08:35] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: I love that. Oh my gosh.
[00:08:37] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: have a little, a little dram in his honor. Yep. Yep.
[00:08:41] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Yeah. Oh my God. I so connect with you on that. I love that. Um, so he's, so Rob's kind of living his, his best life, life to the fullest and 2014 happens. Um, so it's been, it's been 10 years for you on your journey, which I find to be quite a significant [00:09:00] year.
[00:09:01] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: it was. Yeah. Yeah. It was a big, big milestone. 
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[00:10:47] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Claire, tell us about, about this day.
[00:10:50] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Tell us about what happened to, to Rob in 2014. Walk us through.
[00:10:55] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: So my brother, um, Rob was randomly [00:11:00] assaulted in Glasgow, Scotland in the early hours of September morning in 2014, as you've already said. And, uh, it was actually a week after his 27th birthday, um, almost to the date. And, uh, He, his death ultimately resulted from a single punch that caused him to fall and, uh, he just from the punch alone, I think he suffered like a broken nose.
[00:11:30] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: He had some damage to his jaw and, um, but essentially the fall, The way he fell led him to have significant head injuries. And we later found out that the fall had caused him to fracture two vertebrae in his neck. Uh, that, um, One of which allowed him to breathe independently. Um, unfortunately he, he fractured two very important vertebrae at the top of the neck.
[00:11:59] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: , [00:12:00] we found out that at the time of the assault, uh, his heart had actually stopped, um, when he kind of hit the ground. So, and that he lost a lot of blood at the time because of the, the head injuries as well. And, uh, due to, um, the significant head trauma that he, he suffered. Um, the medical professionals, the doctors that were looking after him, he of course got rushed to hospital.
[00:12:27] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Um, and they were able to resuscitate him at the kind of scene where it all happened and rush him to hospital. And because of the head injuries, he was, um, put on strong sedatives to kind of allow his brain some time to heal and, and, um, reduced pressure in the brain, I guess. At that time the medical professionals really couldn't assess the damage that had been caused because he was under the sedative.
[00:12:56] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: And unfortunately we had to [00:13:00] wait for specialized brain scanning equipment to be brought in from another hospital. They had this like strange rotating, um, system between the hospitals in Glasgow and they didn't currently have the brain scanning equipment to, to have a look at his brain at that time. And, uh, he was also put on ventilators at that time as well because of the, the fracture and things.
[00:13:24] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: We ultimately had to wait three days in hospital, um, before we could get any kind of conclusive, uh, conclusive, uh, information on the state. Of his health and what might be coming from this. And on the third day, uh, they You know, reduced to sedative, they got the brain scan and that was the day that we were ultimately told that, that he was actually dead and that he'd been dead essentially the entire time.
[00:13:54] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Even though they were able to resuscitate him, as I said about the fractures, um, his brain [00:14:00] ultimately wasn't functioning. And, uh, His official cause of death was what we call in the UK. I'm not sure if it's different in the U S but it's brainstem death. And that's essentially when, uh, yeah, a person.
[00:14:15] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: no longer has any brain, like, brainstem functions,
[00:14:19] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Right.
[00:14:19] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: and they, they lose the potential for kind of consciousness and the, the ability to breathe. So that is the kind of story of that. It started one day, but unfortunately it, it lasted three days, um, which was immensely challenging to, to sit in, not knowing, you know, what the outcome was going to be.
[00:14:42] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: But yeah, that, that's ultimately how he died.
[00:14:45] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Claire, take me back a little bit in the story though. So when he was assaulted, do, do we, maybe we're going to get to this, but did this to him? Was this a single person? Was this a group of people? Are these people that he knew? Like, [00:15:00] I'm like, you know, whenever, whenever we tell these kinds of stories, or those of you listening that are like, oh my gosh, I can relate to this, like, those are the questions that come to mind, right?
[00:15:09] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: It's like,
[00:15:10] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Yeah,
[00:15:10] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: who, why, what, like, what, why did this happen, right? Do we know that? Like, walk us through that part of the, the
[00:15:18] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: sure. Um, we do know who it was. He was caught because luckily there was CCTV footage that we didn't see the actual incident, but everything kind of leading up to that. So we did, we knew who it was and, uh, he was caught. It was a single guy. Um, That, uh, ran after him for reasons we, we will never know. I don't know why he did it or why he chose, you know, chose to approach my brother or throw a punch.
[00:15:49] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Um, but he was with a friend. They were out in Glasgow drinking, partying, whatever, um, and, uh. Yeah, I [00:16:00] don't know how much detail to go into, but he, he was at the casino, and he was losing a lot of money, and he got really angry, and I don't know. I don't know if he, I don't know why he approached my brother and tried to, to attack him.
[00:16:14] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: I don't know if it was out of rage, or if he was trying to mug him, or I have no idea.
[00:16:21] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: There's a lot of unanswered questions in this for you. Yeah.
[00:16:25] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: There is a lot, which is very hard to learn how to live with. Um, so, yeah. It was one guy, but he was with a friend. And his friend was ultimately the one that stayed with Rob. And called the police. Um,
[00:16:42] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: That was my
[00:16:42] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: yeah.
[00:16:43] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Ah,
[00:16:44] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Yeah, I, you know, it was, um, actually a Marine who attacked my brother. So they were in the Navy in Scotland.
[00:16:54] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Um, so the guy who stayed with my brother called the police. He just told [00:17:00] his, his comrade to leave. He was like, go, go out with this. I'll, I'll deal with it. That guy ran off and like hid. Somewhere in Glasgow, um, and yeah, that's, that's ultimately what happened. And then I think another bystander got involved and gave Rob CPR.
[00:17:18] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: He was on his way to work and kind of saw the commotion. And, um, so he came in and tried to resuscitate him until the, first responders came and took him to hospital.
[00:17:28] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: And then, and then
[00:17:29] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: we didn't know. Sure.
[00:17:33] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: want to unpack a little more about that in a bit, but how did you find out? Because something that comes up on every single episode, and little did I know when I first shared my story, the first episode I ever did is called The Call.
[00:17:48] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Because we all remember either making the call or getting the call or hearing about it that that's like a moment that's imprinted in us, right? So this happens. [00:18:00] And, and, you know, for better or worse, you know, at least he was able to get the support, right? And he went off to the hospital. But how did you find out?
[00:18:09] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Who contacted you? What was that like? What was that experience for you?
[00:18:12] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: It was so horribly intense, and um, so Rob was assaulted at around 5am, and we didn't end up getting a call until the day after, like, in the afternoon, so like, late afternoon, because they couldn't work out who he was. They didn't They weren't sure how to get in touch with his next of kin. So I'm, you know, sitting at work and my phone goes off and I answer it and I can hear kind of chitter chatter in the background.
[00:18:44] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: And I actually initially thought it was like a cold call. I, you get them in the USA. I'm like call centers trying to sell stuff. I don't know. So I answered it, thought it was that immediately hung up. And then. They, they call [00:19:00] back and it's a detective and they say, you know, are you Claire Thompson, Robin Thompson's brother, uh, sister?
[00:19:07] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: I'm like, yeah. Um, and then, you know, they said that they'd been trying to get in contact with my parents, but they haven't been able to. And they informed me that Rob had been assaulted and that we needed to get through to the hospital as soon as we can. And from that moment, like, I was just, I mean, I think I began to kind of hyperventilate, you know, I didn't, I had no idea what to think, or, you know, you immediately try and start working out the situation, like, what happened?
[00:19:40] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Is he okay? Like, I had no idea of the extent of the damage that had been caused at that point. And, uh. I remember it clear as day. I don't think it'll ever matter how much time passes, um, but I had to call my parents and I [00:20:00] still remember everything that they said and their reactions, um, because it was so traumatizing for me having to inform them that their son had been assaulted and, you know, this must be really serious because they're asking us to go through ASAP.
[00:20:16] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: And me and my mom and dad. You know, we lived in a city about an hour, an hour and a half away from where he was in Glasgow. And, I had to call my mom over and over again because she was in a really important meeting and it was just horrific. It was horrific having to, to tell them, and
[00:20:40] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: It's something we all connect with. That's the hardest part is this is such a horrific part of everyone's story, but we all remember when we got a call or gave a call and you've got, You've got it all in your journey, Clare. You, you got the, yeah, unfortunately you got the call, and then you had to give the call to [00:21:00] your parents.
[00:21:00] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: And, yeah, I, I just don't think it's something that we ever forget. I, I really, as much as we might want to in some ways, or some days, and sometimes we're like, oh, you know, it's a part of the story. It's part of the journey. But, yeah, I mean, it's, you know, It's an, it's an intense part and it's something that everyone that listens to the show and like me personally as well.
[00:21:20] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: And obviously you do too connect with because it, it, in that phone call and in those few moments, it changes the rest of your life. And that's why it's so impactful. And
[00:21:31] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Yeah, it's a time that, yeah, changes your entire trajectory in life. And, um, yeah, it was, it was crazy. And then, uh, Yeah, we actually had to do a second call before we had to talk to the doctor who was attending to Rob Before we went through you know a police officer came to the house and gave us a number to call and it was actually my dad that called and This is when we found out [00:22:00] that his heart had stopped at the time of the assault So this is when we started to know this is really really serious so , that was also another call.
[00:22:11] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: It was very traumatic, um, for us kinda realizing the extent of, of what's happened here.
[00:22:17] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: knowing that before you even get to the hospital, right, get right, you're getting this information. And so it's, yeah. Wow. And then, and then this waiting period that you guys went through over the three days. And then, and then that, that kind of brings us up, up to where you were in, in your, um, story. So at that point after those three days and they're, Telling you, right, it's, he's gone, like, there's, you know, he's not, no brain function, you know, all of, what? What happened next for you guys? Did you, like, in the U. S. typically we say, like, we take them off life support, and then, like, that's end, and, like, it was that kind of what happened for [00:23:00] you guys, and then walk us through next steps on that. Yeah.
[00:23:03] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Yeah. Um, gosh, yeah. I mean, we were essentially told that, you know, we have to take him off life support because, you know, he is in fact dead. And they gave us some time, you know, to spend with him to say our can of final goodbyes, which was, you know, really meaningful. But yeah, they took him off life support and then he was a, an organ donor.
[00:23:28] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: So kind of as soon as, um, he was taken off life support, he was kind of taken away so, so they could, you know, begin that process of, of organ donation. Um, which, you know, Is wonderful to think back on, on like how many people he helped through that, that process, but, um, it was pretty traumatic at the time because it was something again that's happening to him isn't really nice to think about, you know, um, but yeah, [00:24:00] so that was our kind of final day with him.
[00:24:01] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: I think I entered a days after that, um, you know, there was so much uncertainty because it was a criminal case. So we had no idea what the process was from there. So, you know, we had to keep in contact with the detectives working on the case. Um, you know, we weren't able to plan a funeral because.
[00:24:23] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: You know, we needed to go, or the, you know, the police force needed to do autopsies and then there was a defense lawyer who unfortunately waited until the very last day that they could to decide that they were going to do their own autopsy. So that process was, was really long. So we weren't able to plan a funeral or celebration of life as we called it for like a month after his death.
[00:24:51] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: That's extremely hard, because it just kind of prolongs everything even more. Yeah. Oh my gosh.
[00:24:57] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: It was really hard. Very hard.[00:25:00] 
[00:25:00] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: yeah.
[00:25:01] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Yeah. Yeah Yeah
[00:25:08] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: to homicide or something that needs to be investigated, like an accident or an assault, like we're talking about today, or anything that needs to be investigated, what, I'm sure, I'm sure you feel the same way, Claire, I kind of, it's like, hindsight's 20 20, kind of wish I knew, kind of wish I didn't, you know, that Part of it in in the process of losing a sibling in such a traumatic way and that there's going to be a case afterwards It's like there's kind of like the part of the loss and going through that and the shock and feeling all of that And then there's this next part that you go through as well, where it's criminal and going through that.
[00:25:49] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: And, you know, sometimes I used to look back personally and I would say like, Oh God, I wish I knew that then, then I was going to be fighting and going for justice and, you know, trying to go [00:26:00] through. And then it's like, Hmm, would it have been better to know? I don't know. right? Like now we have these experiences to share.
[00:26:06] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: It's, it's then on top of that and it's, it's kind of, do you feel like that prolonged your grief? Like how, how did you cope? How did you get through that, that next process? Because if it took a month to do a celebration of life, I mean, mine was two weeks and I felt like that was, that was a little long, but I was so numb.
[00:26:26] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: It was like, okay, you know, but yours was a month and that's, that's a good bit of time. So yeah. Tell us a little bit about how you were feeling in all of that because you're, you're numb and you're kind of in this fog, at least I was. And then you got to do a celebration of life and there's detectives and there's an investigator and there's a, you know, autopsy.
[00:26:46] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: I mean, it's a lot.
[00:26:48] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: it was a lot. It was a lot to, to wrap my head around and even just comprehend, you know, um, it was, I mean, it's, it's so [00:27:00] traumatic, right? So trying to look back 10 years after, it's, there are a lot of gaps in my memory, but I was just in a complete daze. Um, most of the time, either I was feeling numb or I would be like, feeling such intense grief that it felt like I was like, Being suffocated by it.
[00:27:20] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: It was, it was horrible. And, um, of course, yeah, having to wait a month, you know, all these thoughts are going around your head. Like you want, I hate to use the word closure. Um, but like, His body, his physical self was out there somewhere, and we had no control over what was happening to him, um, so we were just stuck in this horrible, horrible place of not really being able to close.
[00:27:55] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: That part of the story and move on to the next part where it's like, okay, he's [00:28:00] he's gone and now We need to embark on our journeys of healing and trying to understand what happened to him It was horrible, you know, and we were Kept getting asked questions from family, family, friends, his friends, like what's happening.
[00:28:17] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: When is the funeral happening? You know, and we just didn't have the answers and it was really hard to, to manage. And I think, um, you know, I had to make a lot of the calls to people because my parents just couldn't, they couldn't, they couldn't make those calls. They couldn't speak these words and, and converse.
[00:28:37] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: I mean, they, they completely shut down understandably. Um, So that was, it was very difficult for me to manage because I was trying, you know, I had such intense emotions that I felt were suffocating me, but I had to do these things for, for my brother and my family and his friends, you know, um, so it was very hard to [00:29:00] manage.
[00:29:00] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Um, but it, it was, it was horrible. It was horrible.
[00:29:04] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Well, I mean, you just nailed something that comes up all the time, um, on the podcast, in our groups, in chats, right? Everywhere with sibling loss, we often have to step forward and. Carry all of these responsibilities and that's not something that we would think about unless we go through this because our parents are not capable.
[00:29:28] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Most of the time, right? They're just not. And that's nothing. You can have the most high functioning, amazing parent ever, or you can have maybe a really dysfunctional parent. It doesn't matter. It does not discriminate. This loss does not discriminate in that way. And I think, An interesting thing that you, you bring to the story as well and to the show, Claire, is there's a lot of siblings out there that are the only sibling left, right?
[00:29:52] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Like they're, they're, they're sometimes we'll say, am I an only child now? And I'm like, you're not an only child. You'll always have a sibling. [00:30:00] They're not here physically with us anymore. So you're You feel like the only one going through this, which is what you're describing because, oh my gosh, I gotta, I gotta be strong for mom.
[00:30:09] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: I gotta be strong for dad. I gotta be strong for friends, for family. Oh my gosh, I actually have to talk to all these people too. It's like, it's a lot. And these are all, these are all things that we're expected to do while in this, this Sense of shock, grief, disbelief, you know, you name it, right? And that's, and that's heavy, and I appreciate you sharing that because there's so many, so many siblings out there that are the only one left or are the one that carry all of those responsibilities.
[00:30:38] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: So, that's very difficult. So, what I'm curious to know, Is yes, it has been 10 years, but tell us how you got to this point now, Claire, because 10 years, like that's a huge milestone. Five years was a big one for me. I, it's something, maybe it's societal that [00:31:00] we have these like, you know, five years, you know, when we turned 30, 35, 40, you know, it's like, I guess it's a societal thing to these milestones, but it did hit me pretty hard.
[00:31:08] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: And I know 10 years hits people hard, 20 years, you know, those hit hard. And so I'm curious to know. Where, like, where you are now and how you kind of got there, and I know it's a big question, so um, but you're in the field, like, you're in the field of psychology, like, you, you're studying this, you're in the mental health field, and we're going to talk about this in just a little bit, but like, you're actually studying sibling loss and bereaved siblings, and we're going to get into that in, in just a little bit, but like, how did you get here?
[00:31:40] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Because like, that's a lot to go through, and now we're sitting here having a conversation about this, and It's become a part of your work in your life, right? And like your passion. So walk us through that and like in the way that makes sense for you.
[00:31:56] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Yeah. That is a big question. Um, how did I get [00:32:00] here? Um, well, it's been a long, long journey. You know, at the start of my journey, and when I say the start, I mean, the first few years, like three, four years after I lost Rob, I mean, that was so hard. And it's such a long time. To be feeling that way, to be feeling like you're treading through deep water, like everything's a struggle.
[00:32:27] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: You don't know who you are, what you're doing. Um, trying to battle your grief, all these thoughts that come up and different, um, emotions, uh, grief. Um, so it was really tough in the start. And I think in the start I needed to focus on, um, Very basic things, like, basic needs. Like, am I sleeping? Am I drinking water?
[00:32:57] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Am I getting enough food? Um, am I [00:33:00] moving? You know? And, I had to take, um, it day by day, sometimes minute by minute. Um, because thinking ahead was just too much. I couldn't even do it. I couldn't go there. Um, so, it was very, very difficult. So I think a major component of my healing that started very early on in my grief journey was, um, nature.
[00:33:33] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Nature was my biggest healer, I began to connect with nature in a way that I'd never done before. You know, it became in ways my strongest companion because like, no matter what was happening in the world, Through this experience, I became acutely aware of how quickly we can lose loved ones and how quickly things can change.
[00:33:58] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: And nature [00:34:00] was a thing that I knew would always be there. I could always turn to it as a way of comfort or support or way to, um, grieve in a way, and um, it became a, became a beacon of hope for me essentially. Um, and I, I gained a lot of strength through nature and just being out in nature and exercising.
[00:34:24] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Exercising was a huge thing for me because I could channel all my, like, negative emotions, all my sorrow, all my anger, um, through exercise. So that was like a huge, um, healing component for me. And, unfortunately about a year and a half after I lost Rob, a very close friend of mine lost her only brother.
[00:34:51] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Um, and we, you know, connected and, you know, met to talk about her losses. [00:35:00] And, we became Such anchors for one another, you know, I Seriously wholeheartedly believe I would not be here I would not have healed as I did if I didn't have a fellow surviving sibling to connect with because I felt like nobody understood what I was going through.
[00:35:21] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Like, I felt like nobody could even see what I was going through. Um, and even I felt like I was so visibly suffering and I, it enraged me in a way that people couldn't see it and it made it worse. So having her, um, my dearest friend, um, By my side, kind of helping me walk through those immensely dark moments was, was huge.
[00:35:46] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Um, and I think, you know, that's so important to have people you can connect with that at least on some level, understand what you might be going through. Um, so [00:36:00] she was a huge influence in my life and,
[00:36:02] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: you know, I kind of dotted about doing things here and there. I kind of lost myself, you know, I, I do have a background in, in mental health, but, you know, I very soon became to realize that I couldn't ethically do the work that I was doing anymore because I was so emotional, like I felt. Like, I could viscerally feel people's suffering, and it was so heavy for me.
[00:36:30] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Like, not only was I carrying my own suffering, and, you know, my parents suffering, but I felt like I could feel everyone's pain, and I became so acutely aware of the depth of suffering in our world, and it just was suffocating, so, you know, I had to unfortunately take a break from mental health. Yeah. Yeah.
[00:36:54] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Yeah.
[00:36:55] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: I want to, I want to ask you about this because I think this is what you're saying. [00:37:00] And it's something I said to people and they kind of looked at me weird when I started saying this, but my brother's death, You said a lot of things I want to unpack, but I want to unpack this first. I lost my brother, it was like fog, you guys know the story, fog, horrible, I got really angry because it was murder, right, like just a lot, you know, and I states, and when I started to come out of that anger, and even when I was in the anger, too, which I'm sure you can connect with, Claire. found myself to be the most empathetic version of myself that I had ever been. Like, if somebody told me that they're, you know, oh, I stepped on my cat's paw today and I feel hor like, I was like, invested. I was like, I'm so sorry. Like, how are you feeling about that? I became this like, and it wasn't like I was a super cold person before this, but I was very corporate had been in the corporate world for, you know, eight years at that point, like how [00:38:00] to, how to successful career.
[00:38:01] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: But it was like something flipped in me. And it's so interesting because it's like, we do very different things in our professional lives, Claire. But like what you're describing is something. I connect with and I hear from a lot of other people, almost like something switches in you because you have this sensitivity to what you said earlier, like life is precious and you know, we don't know what can happen in an hour, a day, tomorrow, you know, whatever.
[00:38:30] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: And so that personally happened to me and it kind of sounds like what you're, what you're describing.
[00:38:36] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: hmm. Yeah, I think it's exactly what I experienced. Um, and uh, yeah, I think my level of empathy has um, skyrocketed since, since I lost Rob because I know. How bad life can get and how that feels and and what it feels like to carry that through life But still [00:39:00] having to meet Expectations in life, right whether it's go to work You know look after kids or Even go to the store, you know
[00:39:12] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: I mean, we got, we got to eat, we got to sleep, we got to pay our bills, we got to, yeah, take care of the family. Right. You're totally. You're totally right. Yeah, it's, it's interesting. And I think the reason, and I'm curious about your opinion about this, Claire, a lot of people found this confusing. And they were like, but you're more empathetic.
[00:39:30] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Like, wouldn't it make you less empathetic because you're like, you can connect to this. Like your brother was assaulted and I mean, essentially killed, got killed. He was murdered, you know? And my, my brother was killed in a homicide. And. It's so interesting because it didn't make me that way. I wasn't like angry.
[00:39:48] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Of course, I'm upset with the person that did it. But like, I think that's what was confusing to people because I think they thought I was just going to be like narrowly focused on that. But it, it doesn't. It opens up this empathetic side to [00:40:00] you that's like, It's, it's almost indescribable, if, unless you've experienced it.
[00:40:05] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: I'm not recommending going through this to experience it, but you know what, I'm curious. Like, do, did you get any of that too? Where people are like, well, aren't you just angry about this? Or aren't you, but it, it turned me into a deep empath.
[00:40:17] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Yeah, um, yeah, I definitely heard that. Um, and you know, I saw a lot of people who were in Rob's life go down that path, get very angry and be very, um, vocally expressive about their anger. And of course I felt it for a short while, but I soon recognized that this isn't where I should be placing it all.
[00:40:42] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: It didn't bring me any healing. It kept me stuck. in a very horrible place and I couldn't bear to be there. I was like, this isn't bringing me anything. If I focus on, you know, that man who took my brother's life. I'm just going to get stuck and I'm going to [00:41:00] get more angry, more bitter, more resentful.
[00:41:03] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: , it's very hard. I think for anyone to stay in that kind of place, like you have to find another way, another way to channel what you're experiencing. And, um, yeah, but you know, I did
[00:41:14] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: you did. Yeah, but you found ways that you found, I love that you said nature because I connect with that as well. I love that you said exercise. I always say that. I'm like, oh, with anger, I mean, especially that, if you can channel that physical activity, I mean, that was huge for me too. So, I just, again, I just relate to so much and I know you guys are relating to this too, I'm sure, but it's, it's, Yeah, I mean, I, I stayed stuck in anger for a while and it's not a place you want to be.
[00:41:41] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: And so you do have to make a choice, like how am I going to, and then, then I moved into this empathy we're talking about and it was like, my gosh, I'm like, I could feel the, feel the energy of the plant. And it's like, I mean, I'm being a little silly, but I mean, it really gets that intense. So I think it's interesting.
[00:41:58] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: So I think it's, [00:42:00] and before we move forward, Claire, we did not close the loop on that. Man, if we can even call him that, that assaulted Rob, was he incarcerated for this or what ended up happening with that before we moved to the next part of your journey?
[00:42:16] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Sure. Um, he, he was caught and he was sentenced. I don't know what it's like in the USA. Um, but he was charged with, uh, culpable homicide. So I think that's manslaughter in the USA. Don't quote me on it. I think it is. Um, So he was charged and he got five years. Now, unfortunately, um, you know, our, uh, legal system in the UK, a lot of people will receive a sentence, but if they're well behaved and, you know, don't fall out of line, they can actually cut their sentence in half.
[00:42:59] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: So he, [00:43:00] he ended up only serving two and a half years, um, for, for the murder of my brother. Yeah.
[00:43:06] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Yeah. That's why I wanted to ask. I'm at least, at least, you know, I, you know, I always try to stay positive in these, at least it was something, but like, this is what I like people to understand in these cases. It's just like, You're right. You're absolutely right. That's the equivalent to manslaughter here in the U.
[00:43:22] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: S. And it's, in most states, some states are different, but I'm in Georgia, three to five years, that's what the guy would have gotten. He would have been out in a year. One year. One year is what they serve. That's crazy, right? That's like, that's
[00:43:36] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: That is crazy.
[00:43:37] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: And so, So, you know, again, we have to find ways to like move forward with this because it's, you know, it's, it's a tough one.
[00:43:48] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: So yeah.
[00:43:51] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Yeah.
[00:43:51] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: you, so you stopped in, in your profession for a little while and you, [00:44:00] when you were going through this deep empathy and then you re entered because. I want to get into what you're working on now. So, like, catch us up to speed. How did you re enter the mental health space? Because now you're deep in it, and we're talking about something really cool that you're doing.
[00:44:19] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Like, for us, for Surviving Siblings, so how did you get from, from there? And I love how you said too, Claire, how you were like, it was at the start, it was tough. A lot of people think that means the first year. No, it can be three, four. I mean, it took me five years to tell my story. So I appreciate you saying that because a lot of people are like, it's been a year, you know, we're good.
[00:44:40] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: No. So I love that you said that, but how did you get back in, into this and like, how, tell us about that. And then we're going to talk about what you're up to now, because it's really cool. Yeah.
[00:44:51] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Sure. Um, yeah. So as I said, I, I took a break and, uh, I. Um, with [00:45:00] all due respect, kind of got a little bit tired of working with humans. Um, so I needed a break and I ended up finding the world of sled dog sports. So I got into sled dog racing. I started in Scotland and, um, went to Finland for a while and then.
[00:45:21] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: found out that Alaska is the Mecca of sled dog sports. So I thought, Hey, let's go there. Um, and I completely fell in love with Alaska. It's a wonderful, majestic place to be. And, when I started running sled dogs, um, just being in nature all the time and with dogs, This is when I felt like I truly started to really heal and really feel the healing.
[00:45:47] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: I think it was the first time I felt peace since I lost Rob. And, you know, I did that for a couple of years and, you know, I started to feel like I was coming back around [00:46:00] to this new version of me. And I, I felt like I was entering a space where I felt like I could turn my lived experience into something much bigger and more meaningful.
[00:46:11] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: And, You know, I always had the dream of becoming a psychologist from a very young age, but, you know, life takes you in all other directions and that hadn't happened yet, so, you know, I felt like it was time to start studying again and becoming a psychologist and hopefully trying to make this, um, a niche of mine in my professional life as a sibling loss and helping, you know, therapist and psychologist and society at large to know more about it and to be more aware of it.
[00:46:44] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: And because ultimately that's going to help surviving siblings feel more supported and more seen. Um, so that's essentially how I got here. It was sled dogs and, um, [00:47:00] Alaska. It gave me so much healing. And, uh, yeah, so now I'm doing my, my doctorate in Alaska.
[00:47:09] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: I love that. I'm a big dog fan, so I have a few of my own. So I'm, I've always wanted to do that, so maybe I need to come visit you because Alaska and Hawaii are the only two states I've never been to, Claire. So maybe I need to come visit you and you can take me. And I can do this experience because it just sounds amazing.
[00:47:28] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: But I love that because it, it ties into how nature, I always say nature, like nature, nature, nature, like it connects us, it grounds us. So I just, I love that that's a part of your story. But here you are in the thick of it, getting your doctorate. You're going to be graduating 2025, right? Like this is
[00:47:46] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Yeah.
[00:47:47] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Yeah.
[00:47:48] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: months away. Yeah.
[00:47:49] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: So you will be Dr. Claire Thompson then, correct?
[00:47:53] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Correct. Yeah. Sounds a little strange, but
[00:47:56] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: so exciting. It's so, that's exciting. But here's [00:48:00] what this is all leading up to, right? Okay. So you're now, you know, in, in your last few months and you're doing a study about sibling loss because this is what you want to focus on. This is what you want to give back after your experience with Rob and going through your journey.
[00:48:18] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: I just think this is so, Beautiful. So tell us about your study because here's what's cool, guys. You guys can participate in this. So we're going to give the information here, but let's talk about what you're doing. So explain this to us, Claire. What are you up to? What are you working on?
[00:48:33] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Sure. Um, so as you mentioned, I'm doing my, my doctoral dissertation, um, on the experience of sibling loss in, in young adulthood and, uh, how people cope and make meaning after they lose a brother or a sister, um, in young adulthood. And, uh, it wasn't until about my third year of my doctorate that I started to think about, Hey, maybe I could study this.
[00:48:59] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: [00:49:00] Like, make it like a legit research study to have like some preliminary information out there that can be used to, to, um, explore this more. And, um, I started to research, what do we know? Like, what is out there for people? And, um, like, what do we know? What are the gaps? Well, There really wasn't much. There wasn't much.
[00:49:25] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: It didn't take me long to get through, through all the research out there. And,
[00:49:30] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: We aren't surprised, Claire. We aren't surprised here at Surviving Siblings. Yeah.
[00:49:37] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: it crazy, like, in a world where information is so, like, we have so much information on so many different things, but why not sibling loss? Like, Why is this not being spoken about? Why do we know so little about this? And I think it was my, obviously, my, my personal experience that ignited this, this fire within me, [00:50:00] um, to really research and dedicate my, my doctoral studies to Rob and, and other surviving siblings.
[00:50:08] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: But, um, you know, the experience of losing a sibling, and what that actually looks like, which can be very different for so many people, but we know very little about it. It remains, like, largely unknown. And, uh, I want to explore how, what that experience is like for young adults, if they lose a brother or a sister, and how they cope and, and how they reconstruct meaning, not only internally, But like, in our life, as we go through the world, you know, um, and it feels really soulful to be turning such a tragic thing into something deeper, and more meaningful.
[00:50:54] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: And um, yeah, it's just, it's kind of unbelievable, you know, [00:51:00] it's, so many people, it's brothers and sisters, it's, it's a relatively high rate of sibling loss, but, We don't know much about it. And I, I ultimately think that's, that's unacceptable. And I want to be part of, of changing that and being part of, um, you know, I think you've mentioned it a lot in your show.
[00:51:21] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: And I think I hear any, um, surviving sibling mentioned the term, the forgotten bereaved, and that I really want to contribute to trying to change that because we should not be the forgotten bereaved and that, that needs to change. Um, So that's essentially why, why I'm conducting the research, and yeah,
[00:51:42] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: I mean, the amount of times that we've heard the forgotten bereaved, the forgotten mourners, the forgot, I mean, like that's the term that we We coin ourselves, right? Besides being bereaved siblings or surviving siblings. But, like, that's so sad that that's our other associated name to this is that we're [00:52:00] forgotten,
[00:52:00] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: It is,
[00:52:01] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: So, you know, Claire and I are both on a mission to make sure you guys are not forgotten about. So, I love this. So Claire, tell us a little bit about, um, what you're looking for in this study because I, there's so many of you guys who listen to the show and this might connect with you. And I know Claire's story is going to connect with you, but this study that she's doing and the research she's doing might connect with you and you can work with Claire.
[00:52:29] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: So Claire, tell us what you're looking for, who you're looking to work with over the next couple of months.
[00:52:34] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: um, so I'm really looking for, for people who have of course and unfortunately lost a brother or sister or Um, in young adulthood. So what I mean by that is between kind of the, the ages of 18 and 30. So if the, the loss occurred between 18 and 30, that's really what I'm interested in, [00:53:00] because, um, Primarily because of my own experience losing a brother in young adulthood, I think it's such a crucial time in life.
[00:53:08] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: And that's not to say it's more important than, than childhood or teenage years, but it's such a crucial time in our life where we're really trying to set roots, typically, at least in Western culture. Um, so, um, It can be, um, any type of loss. So whether it's, it is a homicide and assault or, or an illness, um, you know, I really want to look at all types of losses and, um, Really what I'm looking for is for people who are interested in the study or learning more about it or taking part is if the people are currently between the ages of 18 and 35.
[00:53:51] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: And that's really to capture the experience. You know, I think some, the more time that goes past, we, our memories can become [00:54:00] more distorted. Um, so that's really why I'm kind of trying to look at people between 18 and 35. Um, two. Yeah, so it's really anyone that wants to share their story and, you know, how they lost their sibling, what it was like for them, like how did they cope, how are they impacted and affected, and um, what has been helpful or unhelpful in their grieving process, and not only that, but how the type of death.
[00:54:33] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Whether it was very sudden or traumatic or more of an anticipatory loss, uh, through an illness, for example. How that impacts the grief journey and how we learn to cope with our loss. Um, and then, cause as you and I know, coping and grief changes so much over time. It takes so many different forms and, and, [00:55:00] shapes.
[00:55:00] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: And, uh, I really want to try and explore how that changes over time for people, because what we do know is that yes, the first few years or however many years, I think it took me about seven to finally get to a place where I felt like I was truly in a better place. Um, so while those first few years there, they can be pretty bad, but what we know is that people move to a more resilient place So there is hope that no matter how bad it feels, like, coping does change, and you do find a way to rework your grief, and we're inherently resilient, you can't argue with that, so I kind of went off on a little tangent there, but I hope that answers your question.
[00:55:50] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Um, that actually answers the question I usually like to ask at the end. So you're wrapping us up beautifully because I always say, you know, what [00:56:00] advice would you give to people going through this, how can people have hope? But you just answered it because something that comes up so much, Claire, and I, and we're going to round out where to connect with Claire and kind of timeline here, guys.
[00:56:12] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: But something that comes up so much again, and just in the, you know, again, all these groups, the podcasts. Things that we do in our community is it people always say it doesn't get easier. It doesn't get, you know, it doesn't get better. It doesn't get and I always argue and I say, look, the pain is always there.
[00:56:33] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: The grief is always there, but it does. It's a yes and no. You know, when somebody asked me, does it get easier? It's just not a simple question, right? Yeah, it does. At some point, because. You find these coping skills, you find these things that you've communicated so perfectly in this conversation that you and I have had, and I've done the same thing, right?
[00:56:54] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: And I think it's not that you don't miss your sibling, or you don't feel the pain, or you don't feel the grief, [00:57:00] it's You know, and, and that's the point is to give hope. And I think that's really, what's beautiful about what you're doing with your research. And you're wanting to give more hope to people, right.
[00:57:11] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: And more resources and really understand what these dynamics look like. So if you guys lost a sibling between the ages of 18 and 30, and you are currently 18 to 35.
[00:57:24] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Correct. Yep.
[00:57:25] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: This, this could be for you. Um, so if this sounds like you, and if you want to chat with Claire, trust me, you'll love her. She's awesome to chat with. We've had a great session here today. Um, Claire, what is the best way for them to reach out to you? Um, because again, this episode does live on. So if you guys are listening to this at a certain time, she's looking right now in December, 2024.
[00:57:50] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Up until you get enough folks. So I would reach out to her, but you know, um, we're in December 2024 if you guys are listening at another [00:58:00] time. So what's the best way for them to contact you? And we'll put it in the show notes as well for you, Claire.
[00:58:05] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Sure thing. Um, so it's my email address. Um, my, uh, student email address. So it's, I don't know whether to say it here or not, but it's just through email. Oh, okay. So it's cthompson, without a p. I know that. Alaska Pacific dot edu. Yeah.
[00:58:28] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: And we're going to put it in the show notes too. So if you guys are listening or watching, you'll just go into the notes and you can click that and email Claire. Um, if this, again, if this sounds like you, if you lost a sibling between the ages of 18 and 30 and you are currently between the ages of 18 and 35 and Claire, do they need to be U.
[00:58:46] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: S. based? Can this be international? Is it really just sibling and age focused?
[00:58:52] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: So right now, um, I'm keeping it within the United States. So if you're located anywhere in the U S um, please [00:59:00] feel free to reach out, but I'm not doing international research quite yet. Hopefully in the future.
[00:59:06] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: TBD. Maybe that's her next episode. She comes on, right? She comes on and shares with us. So that's amazing. Claire, thank you so much for doing this, this work. I think this is so important and thank you for sharing your story because I know so many of you guys out there are going to connect with this. With this story and being so open and sharing Robin a.
[00:59:28] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: k. a. Rob with us. Um, I'm sure, I mean, I always say this, but I'm sure he's so proud of the work that you're doing. It fills my heart like when people tell me that they're like, I'm sure your brother's so proud. I'm like, Oh, okay. Well, you know, it all started in honor of him. So, you know, I'm sure you can connect with that.
[00:59:48] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Yeah. Any, any last thoughts, anything else you want to add, Claire, that I didn't touch on before we close out today?
[00:59:54] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: I mean, perhaps, well, first of all, I want to say thank you so much for having me on the show and, and talking [01:00:00] about the work that I'm doing. It means so much to me. Um, so thank you so much, Maya. Um, I guess I'd like to end by just saying, you know, I hope that, you know, listening to, uh, the conversation today and my story can, can instill hope in other bereaving siblings because it's a quote that I like to live by or when I'm, whenever I'm struggling is that through crisis comes opportunity, you know, um, and your relationship with your sibling Does not have to die the day that they left this earth and, um, you can channel them, you can use them as an inspiration and drive to succeed.
[01:00:45] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Um, I think we are naturally resilient and that will come with time. Um, and you'll learn to live again and feel content and smile and laugh, [01:01:00] um, because this is how we're all built. We are resilient. And um, I think a drive home message for me to any listeners is that I really strongly encourage you to find, uh, your community because if it weren't for quite a few people in my life helping me through this journey.
[01:01:20] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: I would not be where I am today. And, uh, so finding a community is so important and I love the work that you're doing, Maya, because you're creating that community, you're being part of the change, um, and, um, yeah, in terms of my work and anyone who's interested, I think, you know, one thing that I've learned being a mental health professional is that people are experts by experience.
[01:01:50] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: And we need your stories because that's what changes life. So that's what changes the dialogue. And, um, you know, Maya, you're doing it [01:02:00] and I hope to encourage and empower people to find their voice and your place at the table because knowledge is power. So I really, that's all I really want to share with your listeners.
[01:02:13] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: And, and you, thank you, Maya.
[01:02:15] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Oh my God. Thank you, Claire. What a beautiful, beautiful, I mean, I, I just connect with everything that you said. And I say this all the time too, finding your community that, that stunted me in my grief journey so much, not being surrounded. I loved when you shared about like, I hate that your friend had to go through that as well.
[01:02:35] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: Right. Right. But having someone that understands you, we as humans. We could do a whole other episode on this, Claire, so I'm going to end here. But we as humans, even though when we go through something really tough, we don't want it to happen to anybody else. We don't want to be alone. We're not, we're not made to be like someone that just experiences something and no one else does.
[01:02:55] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: So you're so spot on. Thank you for sharing that message. And that's what we [01:03:00] try to do here or share these stories so that you don't feel alone. That's why we have the support resources and we're going to continue to do that. And that's why it was so important that we shared your work and an opportunity for folks to.
[01:03:11] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: to come over and share their experience with you. So again, guys, if you would like to share, uh, with Claire, again, we're in December 2024. So ASAP email her, it will be linked in the comments, um, and in the notes here, Claire, thank you so much for being here today. I really appreciate it.
[01:03:30] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--guest300718--claire: Thank you so much. Thank you so much, Maya.
[01:03:32] 2024-12-11--t09-25-36pm--62d44f94d16e77b66619324b--mayapinion: And thank you guys so much for listening to the surviving siblings podcast. 
[01:03:35] Mhm.